


Ahsoka Stays in the Order

by jairyn



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe, Brotp, Christophsis, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Snips - Freeform, Star Wars - Freeform, otp, skyguy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-11 03:38:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 20
Words: 32,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15306639
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jairyn/pseuds/jairyn
Summary: After the temple bombing, Ahsoka is offered a chance to rejoin the Jedi order. Though she's scared and struggling to trust the people that had raised her, she doesn't feel she has a choice. She decides to stay, but what will it cost her? Will she be able to communicate her struggles with her master or will it tear their relationship apart?





	1. Chapter 1

“They’re asking you back, Ahsoka.” He tried to hide his excitement because the council was watching. “I’m asking you back.”

She looked up at him as he reached out his hand. She didn’t understand how he couldn’t see it. How the person she trusted most of all, didn’t seem to have a clue how broken she was right now. She looked down at the padawan beads in his outstretched palm and then back at his face. He gave a reassuring smile, and a look that told her he didn’t understand why she was hesitating. 

If the council wasn’t standing behind him, she might have taken him by the arms and shaken him.  _Wake up, wake up! How can you be so blind?_  But she didn’t dare. It probably wouldn’t get the result she wanted anyways. She swallowed and reached out for the beads. She didn’t want to stay. Not after what happened. She wanted to stay with  _him_  of course, he was her best friend. She didn’t know where else would she go. She had nothing. Only a couple friends outside the order. She had no money. No career other than as a Jedi. The only thing she knew how to do was fight and follow orders, the latter being what concerned her the most. 

Feeling as though she didn’t really have a choice, she finally took the beads from his hand and clipped them back to her headpiece. Maybe not today, but soon, she was going to need to have a talk with him. Hopefully… he’d listen then.

“Welcome back, Snips!” Anakin put his hand on her shoulder. “Come on, let’s go get your lightsabers.” He started heading to the door. Her eyes followed him, but she didn’t move immediately. 

“Good to have you back, Little ‘Soka,” Master Plo said. She curled her lips and gave a small nod. 

“You’ve been through quite the ordeal,” Obi wan said, stepping forward to set his hand briefly on her shoulder. She tried to hide the flinch at the words that told her he couldn’t at all see what they’d done to her.  Try as she might she still tensed at his touch. He released her immediately. “You should get some rest." 

_Yeah, rest. Like that would fix it._  She couldn’t stand it anymore and she fled the room. Even if Anakin was blind to what she was feeling right now, at least he was the only one that had stood up for her. So, she’d rather be with him than anyone else at the moment. Most especially the council. 

"You must be exhausted,” he said as she took stride next to him. She stared at her feet and dropped her shoulders a fraction further than they’d already been. What was she doing? Why did she stay? It felt like the weight of the world had settled there and nobody felt it but her. Hadn’t anybody heard what Bariss said? She didn’t agree with all of it, but it did give her pause. Instead, everywhere she looked, they were all just going about their business as though nothing was wrong. It seemed to her that it had never been more glaringly obvious that something was wrong. 

Whether it was what Bariss had said, that all the Jedi cared about anymore was violence, or something else. Whatever it was, it was definitely  _wrong_. “Yeah, I guess so,” she whispered. She  _was_  tired, but she doubted sleep would come. She wanted to be alone, but then again, not really. 

“What’s wrong, Snips?” he asked, stopping near the door to his room. She squeezed her eyes shut. She didn’t know what was wrong. That was the problem. It was there, buried deep inside her, eating her from the inside out. But she had no idea how to articulate it. She felt betrayed. She felt lost. She felt like she was sinking. That waves of  _something_  were crashing over her, trying to drown her. She felt… empty and confused. Like every ounce of confidence, she’d ever possessed had been completely and utterly shattered beyond repair. She felt sick.

“I have to go to the restroom!” She raced away before he could stop her as she fell to her knees inside the stall. She heaved several times, but nothing came up. She dropped her face on her arms, crying as though a dam had burst behind her eyes. She stared at the slightly off smelling water, the rippling reflection of who she was. It was nothing like what she wanted to be. She looked as hollow as she felt. 

Everything should be alright. She’d been proven innocent. She’d been freed from prison. She’d been returned to the order. She still had a home. A purpose. Everything. And yet at the same time, it felt like she had nothing. 

“Ahsoka?” He knocked on the door. She had him, of course. That was something, she supposed. But she doubted even in his infinite wisdom and skill that he could fix what was the matter now. “Are you okay?” She didn’t respond. No, she wasn’t okay! Couldn’t he see that? Or at least sense it? “If you don’t answer, I’m coming in.” Great, just what she needed. 

“I’m fine,” she squeaked.  _Yeah, that totally sounded convincing._  

She heard the door open. “Hey!" 

"You said if I  _didn’t_  answer!” She tried to work some sass back into her tone. “Get out, this is the ladies restroom!” She tried to push him back out the door, but he dug in his heels. 

“Are you crying?” He put his hands up, so she couldn’t get him through the door way.  _No shit._  

“Just go away, please!” she begged. 

“Why are you crying?”

“Why are you so stubborn? Get out! Go!” She peeled his fingers off the door frame and shoved him out in the hall, locking the door behind him. 

“Snips!” he pounded on the door. She sunk to the floor and cried until her eyes hurt. He didn’t go away. She could still feel him out there. “I will cut through this door if I have to,” he said. 

“Skywalker!” Came Shaak Ti’s familiar voice. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing, master,” he said quickly and she almost laughed picturing him fumbling in front of her. Almost, but she didn’t. 

“Pounding on the restroom door counts as nothing?" 

"Ahsoka is in there…” he trailed off and she could only assume master Ti had given him a stern look. 

“Well it is a restroom, so I imagine she has business to attend to. Wait for her to come out rather than making a scene in the hallway.”

“Yes, master,” Anakin replied. He didn’t say anything for awhile so she assumed there were other people still within earshot. She knew he was still there though. She secretly wished this restroom had another way out. 

She looked around and noticed that there was a grate near the top of the far wall. She got up to go look at it closer. It was pretty tight, but she might still fit. If only her head would stop growing. When she’d left the council room, she’d wanted to be with him, but now… now she wanted to be alone. He was going to pester her until she told him what the problem was and until  _she_  knew what the problem was, it was going to hurt even more having to dodge all his questions. 

She closed her eyes and used the force to pull the grate off the wall. Then she carefully climbed up onto the sink and tried to awkwardly shimmy her way into the narrow shaft. There were a few times that she was sure she was stuck but she somehow managed to get herself free. She had no idea how long it took to get to the bigger ducts, having to wiggle her way along barely an inch at a time. She was getting way too big for this. At least focusing on getting through the ventilation shaft kept her mind occupied on something other than everything else.

Finally, in an area she could crawl, she found the nearest exit and dropped down into the hallway, thankfully nowhere near the entrance to the restroom. She ran the rest of the way to her room and threw herself down on her bed. 

She tossed and turned well into the night, but sleep refused to comfort her. She checked the time, it was well past midnight. She still didn’t know how to answer Anakin, but she decided she didn’t want to be alone anymore tonight or her fear and doubts were going to destroy her. 

She got up and crept her way to his room, hoping nobody noticed her. The halls were mostly empty at this hour, and the few wanderers like herself were spread thin throughout the temple. There were no rules as to when you were allowed to wander the hallways, but it always felt like she’d get in trouble if she were caught. Especially if she was caught going to his room. 

She knocked but there was no answer, and fearing someone would notice her if she made too much noise, she let herself in. His bed was empty, made as though he hadn’t slept in it at all. Where was he? Well, she didn’t have the energy to look all over for him tonight, so she curled up on the floor near the bed and tried to draw on his residual energy in the room for some peace. It helped a little and eventually she drifted off.


	2. Chapter 2

When she woke up in the morning, his bed was still undisturbed. She’d slept hard, but she was certain she would have noticed if he’d come in, so she had no idea where he could be. Her eyes lingered on the bed for a few minutes. It wasn’t normal for her to sleep in his room, but there was nothing normal about what was going on right now. Maybe it was a good thing he hadn’t been here, it definitely made her feel weak that she’d come here needing something last night. 

She sighed. Finally hungry from several days without much sustenance, she decided to head to the cafeteria and get some breakfast. She still didn’t feel very good, but she knew starving herself over it would be pointless. Besides, maybe he was already there. 

There was still no sign of him when she got there, so she just got her breakfast and sat down in the corner of the room. She listened to the chatter around her but was mostly ignored. A few of the younglings greeted her, but otherwise she was left alone to her thoughts and her meal. People were talking about Bariss, and what she’d done. Mostly the fight between her master and someone she’d once considered a friend. The way Bariss had fought with two red lightsabers, but how the Chosen One had deftly put her in her place. She sighed again. Anakin, her knight in shining armor, ready to leap to her defense at a moment’s notice. Willing to go any distance to save her, willing to do anything… so why didn’t that make her feel good? Probably because no one else around her that had witnessed the fight or heard about the events leading up to it, had been told the things Bariss had said in that courtroom. No one except the Senate and the Council knew she’d been sentenced to death for the crimes she didn’t commit. None of them knew how close she’d come to being put down like a rabid animal. None of them had to watch or experience what it was like to have the Republic that you fought for and risked your life for daily, turn on you. Or worse, none of them knew what it was like to have the people that had raised you, that you’d looked up to and admired your entire life;  _idolized_ , wanted to be just like… let you fall when you needed them the most.

She pushed her half-eaten tray of food away from her and dropped her head on her arms. All they cared about was how amazing Anakin had been when he’d fought. How it was only further confirmation that he must be the Chosen One. They hoped to be as brave as him someday. But was it really bravery to fight so hard for something that might not be right to begin with? Maybe they really were on the wrong side of this war. Ventress, sworn enemy of the Jedi had helped her in her time of need; when Bariss, her longtime friend supposedly fighting for the same thing she was, had been the one that turned on her. What had she ever done to her to deserve that?

Nothing about this felt right. None of it was simple. Nothing was black and white anymore. She didn’t know what to do anymore. Normally when she was this lost she’d go to Master Yoda for advice, but he was the last person she wanted to talk to now. She shivered as she remembered the way it had felt to look up at him and the rest of the council and be judged. For them to expect her to defend herself but then not listen to a word she said. How quickly they’d just thrown her out, leaving her fate up to the Republic Senate. How they’d watched emotionless as she’d been found guilty and was sentenced to death. How could she ever trust them again? How could she put her faith in them or their orders?

It went even deeper than that, though. If they hadn’t trusted her, how could she trust herself? Or anything they’d taught her? If she didn’t trust them, how could she trust the training they’d given her over the years? How did she know she wasn’t just as bad? 

She was going to go crazy if she didn’t find a distraction soon. She stood up and put her tray away wondering where her master was. Maybe she could convince him to do some training. Still all things they’d taught her but at least when she was focused on that, she wasn’t questioning everything. “Hey,” she caught up with one of the other padawans as they left the cafeteria. She didn’t know this one personally. “Have you seen Master Skywalker?”

“I heard he was sitting outside the ladies’ restroom on the third floor near the dormitories,” he said to her.

“Still?” she asked in surprise.

“Rumor has it he was there all night. The girls were talking this morning that they were scared to ask him to move so they had to use a different bathroom.”

“Uh, thanks,” she said as the padawan headed off in the opposite direction. Had he really sat outside the bathroom all night? She felt guilt creep up in her throat. All she’d wanted was a little time from his questions, she’d figured he’d eventually get tired and give up. But then again, she shook her head. She should’ve known better. When Anakin put his mind to something, it was nearly impossible to get him to change it. She almost laughed again. Master Shaak Ti had told him to wait until she came out, and that’s probably exactly what he thought he was doing. 

She went back into the cafeteria and got him a food bar and a pack of water and then headed towards the restroom she’d run into the night before. Sure enough, there he was. Sitting on the floor with his back against the door, his arms across his chest, stubbornly waiting for her to come out. She supposed she should be grateful he cared that much. Especially considering how little the rest of them seemed to.

He looked up when she stopped in front of him. His face was drawn in, it looked as though he hadn’t slept a wink. The guilt was starting to gnaw away at her. “Hey Snips,” he said yawning. Then he looked confused. “Wait a minute, how’d you get out here? I had my back against the door all night, it never opened!”

“I crawled out through the vent,” she admitted, looking away.

“Why?” He tried to stand up but groaned from having sat in the same position for so long. He took the food bar and water pack she offered him gratefully.  _Why? Why not?_  “Are you feeling any better?” He knitted his brows after taking a bite.

“Not really,” she whispered. 

“Come on, Snips, talk to me.” He reached out to her, but she stepped out of reach.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now. Maybe not for awhile.” She rubbed her arms. “Can we do some training? I need a distraction.” She struggled to make eye contact with him, hating how pathetic she sounded. She shouldn’t close him out, he was the only one that really cared, but she was tired of all of it. She needed to sort it out for herself first. Talking through things with him usually helped, but she didn’t think he was really ready to see things from her point of view just yet. And maybe, it wasn’t really something she  _should_ talk to him about. Yes, he was her master, but he was also on unstable ground when it came to his own belief about the Jedi teachings. She knew he struggled with his own doubts about it, and the last thing she wanted was to bring him down with her. It just wasn’t fair. 

She could talk to Padme, maybe. But the Senator didn’t really understand the ways of the Jedi. She did better than most, but there were still things she didn’t get. Her friend Riyo was just as ignorant of their ways, if not more so. Maybe the person she should talk to was Rex. He always knew how to help her work through things. He wasn’t a Jedi either, but at least he understood them more than the senators. But would that cause problems for him too? She didn’t need everyone around her questioning everything like she was. It wouldn’t end well. It was strange how small her list of people she could talk to about stuff had suddenly become. Maybe it was better to just keep it to herself.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” he said rubbing his head. She should probably let him get some sleep first, since he’d been up all night waiting for her.

They walked in silence to the practice dojos. She could feel him trying to read her. She didn’t exactly close him out, but she didn’t really know how deep she wanted him to go right now. It wasn’t until they got there that she realized they’d never actually retrieved her lightsabers the night before.  _Oh well_ , she went to the weapon rack and grabbed two practice sabers instead.

They went from exercise to exercise, much like they usually did, but she was noticing that she was having trouble focusing on her strikes and footwork. It was like she’d somehow forgotten everything through this ordeal. None of her movements were easy or felt right. This was insanity, she’d done these a million times. He overpowered her easily, time and time again until finally she gave up and dropped the weapons, sinking to her knees.

“I can’t do this, master,” she cried.

“Ahsoka,” he said, kneeling in front of her. “It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not! Can’t you see it?” She looked up at him. He was blurry through the tears. “There is nothing about it that’s okay!”

“Listen to me,” he reached out and took her hands. “We’ll get through this. I’m here for you, but you have to let me in.”

It felt like her heart clenched. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to let him in, but the fear was starting to pump through her. She didn’t trust anything anymore. Could she still trust him? He was raised by the same people she couldn’t trust now. It bothered her more than she cared to admit that he couldn’t see what was going on. That he didn’t understand  _why_  she was hurting.

She pulled away and lept to her feet. “Please don’t run away again!” he called, using the force to push the door shut in front of her. “Why won’t you talk to me?”

She turned, leaning back against it. “You won’t understand!”

“Ahsoka,” he reached out as he closed in on her. She ducked out of his reach, rolling to the side. “You haven’t given me a chance to.”

“The Jedi betrayed me! The Republic tried to kill me! I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t even feel like I can trust myself.” He caught her by the shoulders before she could move again.

“You can trust  _me_ ,” he whispered, trying to comfort her.

She looked up at him and shook her head. “But you’re one of them! If I can’t trust them, how can I trust anything they’ve done or anyone they’ve trained?”

“Ahsoka…” he breathed, pulling her into a hug. She sobbed into his chest and clutched at the front of his robes, hating this show of weakness. Hating the fear and confusion and doubt. “They made a mistake.”

“A mistake that almost got me killed!”

“But it didn’t!  _I_  saved you.”

She pushed him away with the force. “And what will happen when you’re not there to save me, master?” He looked up at her from the floor, his eyes sad.

“That won’t happen.” 

She swallowed and shook her head again. “You can’t promise that.” She turned and headed out the door, ignoring him calling after her. Even the force had felt weird to her when she’d used it.


	3. Chapter 3

She kept walking all the way outside, she didn’t really know where she was going but she had to get away from there. She thought about going to the shipyard to see Rex but decided against it. She wandered the lower city for awhile and finally found a bench at a park and sat down. She could see the temple from where she rested, but it seemed so different from here. It loomed over the area around it, no longer welcoming or even pleasing to the eye. It felt like a juggernaut of darkness. Maybe Bariss had been right. Maybe all the Jedi cared about anymore was violence. Not inside the temple obviously, but out here in the world. For peacekeepers, everything they did centered around fighting. Was it the war that darkened the building, or something else? Were they losing their way? Or their hold on the light? 

“Hey, are you alright?” She turned at the unfamiliar voice. A boy was walking towards her. Well maybe he wasn’t a boy, he looked closer to her age, maybe a little older. He had brownish-black hair that fell loosely around his face, and brown eyes full of concern. She also noticed he had a black eye like he’d been fighting with someone. She glanced around to see if he was talking to someone else, but there was no one else around. He stopped a few feet away.

“I’m fine,” she said, leaning back against the bench again hoping he’d take a hint that she didn’t want to talk right now.

“You don’t look fine,” he started and then blushed looking down at his feet. “I mean, you do look fine as in you’re cute and all, but you don’t look like you’re okay.”

She raised a brow at him.  _Really?_  He was flirting with her? “That’s a pick-up-line I’ve never heard before.” She rolled her eyes.

“It wasn’t meant to be a pick-up… let me start over. My name is Nyx.” He reached out a hand for her to shake. She stared at it a moment. “And no, I don’t go around accosting people on the street and trying to pick them up. I just saw you sitting here looking like you’d been crying, so I thought maybe you needed someone to talk to.”  _Boy, did she._  But she didn’t even know this guy, the last thing she was going to do was spill her guts to him.

She finally shook his hand. “Ahsoka.”

“Nice to meet you, Ahsoka,” he said and sat down on the other end of the bench. She chewed her lip as she studied him out of the corner of her eye.

“How’d you get the black eye?” she asked. 

“Oh, it was a lovely parting gift from someone who thinks I owe them money,” he murmured, playing with his fingers. “Why were you crying?”

“Have you got a few hours?” she smirked, crossing her arms back in front of her.

“I have nowhere else to be for awhile,” he said, scooting a little closer.

She blew air out the side of her mouth. She doubted Nyx would know anything about what’s on her mind, so maybe he was the perfect outsider perspective she needed. But if she couldn’t trust people she’d known her entire life anymore, how could she trust someone she just met? “How do you feel about the Jedi?” she asked, staring straight ahead.

“The Jedi?” he asked in surprise. “They’re a pain in the neck.”

It was her turn to look surprised. “Why do you say that?”

“Well they’re always so full of themselves, like they’re holier than thou. They run around sticking their noses in business they don’t need to. And come on, have you seen the aftermath of their war? They lay waste to every planet they go to and claim they’re freeing the people. But like all we know of them is that they’re these mystical space monks with magical powers.”

“It’s not  _their_  war, and they  _are_  freeing the people!”

“Oh please, don’t tell me you admire them. I travel all over the galaxy, many of the places I go are planets where the Jedi have been. Tell me, have you been to Ryloth lately? What about Bothuwai? Or Christophsis? Or Rhodia? They’re practically ruins now. People are starving. The Jedi came in with their clone army, fought their battles against the Separatists and then left. So what if they destroyed thousands of droids? They still left it all there for the people to have to clean up behind them. They repelled the ‘invasion,’ but left the people without any kind of aide or relief or help. Have you noticed that it’s only Republic affiliated worlds that are getting destroyed? How come the Jedi don’t go fight on Raxus or something? If they’re so intent on bringing down the Separatists, wouldn’t it be better strategy to hit their capitol city? Besides, what did the Seps actually do that makes the Republic so intent on fighting them? So what if a few planets want to secede? Is that really worth killing them over?” He waved his hand nonchalantly and she studied his face. Now that she thought about it, she really had no idea why they were fighting the Separatists.

Is that really how the rest of the galaxy viewed what was going on? Of course, she’d seen all of those planets. They’d been in ruins, just like Nyx said… she’d thought they were freeing those planets, but he was right. Once the droids were destroyed and the Separatists driven away, they would pack up and leave. Onto the next mission. It had never occurred to her that no help or aide was never sent there afterwards. And much to her chagrin, she’d just as easily forgotten about them the moment they were onto something new. No wonder Bariss had believed all the Jedi cared about anymore was violence. They were acting only as a military now. Hundreds of thousands of people watch them come in, fight and disappear. From her perspective, or rather, from the Jedi’s perspective, they were fighting for freedom; to protect and uphold the Republic values. So, is that what the Republic valued now? Violence? Victory? Sacrifice? Death?

She stared blankly at a lamp post across the way. This wasn’t making her feel any better. In fact, it was making her wonder why she’d stayed in the order. She just kept thinking something Anakin had said back when her and Padme had gone to Raxus; the Separatists believe the Republic is corrupt, but they’re wrong. And we have to restore order. How many people had they gone up against since the beginning of this war that kept telling them the Republic was the one that was wrong? Had it ever occurred to any of them that maybe the Separatists had a fair point?

Nina Bonteri had truly believed in the things the Confederacy stood for. And she hadn’t been the kind of crackpot she was made to believe the Separatists were. She was educated and intelligent. She’d seen the proceedings of their democracy and it was nothing at all like the fights over money and troops and banking deregulations that the Republic Senate fought over.

“I’m sorry,” Nyx said suddenly, and she glanced back up at him. “Sometimes I speak without thinking. What’s your problem with the Jedi?”

“Uh…”

“You’re not one, are you?” He smacked himself on the head. “Of course you are, what was I thinking?”

“No, I’m not,” she said quickly. She cringed, not liking the taste of the lie in her mouth. She was one, by title. But she didn’t feel like one anymore. She didn’t know what she was. That was the problem.

“Oh, that’s a relief,” he said, dropping his shoulders in a sigh. “I was afraid you were going to try to arrest me and then, unfortunately, I’d have to defend myself.” He patted his blaster that was holstered to his hip. She curled her lips, so she didn’t smile. Was this the part where she told him that his puny blaster would be flying across the park before he could react, and that she’d give him a matching pair of black eyes if he attempted to shoot her? If she had her lightsabers with her, it would be even less of a fair fight.

“Well then, today’s your lucky day. No one is arresting anyone.”

“I’m glad about that, it would really put a damper on our friendship,” he chuckled.

“You consider us friends?” she started in surprise.

“Sure. We’ve been talking for what? Ten minutes. Best friends forever!” She looked down to hide her smile. At least his attitude was refreshing. Though she wasn’t real sure how they could be friends anyways. He didn’t like Jedi, so he could never know she was one. And she’d already lied to him. What a great start to a friendship. “Come on, I know where to get the best jogun fruit smoothie. You can lay your woes on me there. My treat.” He jumped to his feet and offered his hand. 

She looked dubious but then decided why not? Maybe he’d be a good distraction. He was easy to talk to even if she didn’t feel like she could tell him everything. And to be honest, after everything that had happened lately, she was actually glad to have an excuse to stay away from the temple for awhile longer. “Are you sure you should be treating girls you just met, to smoothies when you owe people money?”

“First of all, I don’t owe them money. They just  _think_  I do. Second of all, I may have just met you, but you’re worth a jogun smoothie any day.” He flashed a big grin and then bowed to her, putting out his hand for her to take again. 

She blushed and took it. The walked down the street, him still holding her hand. It felt weird. Relationships weren’t allowed for Jedi so the last thing you see them doing is holding hands. But admittedly, she kind of liked it. She didn’t normally like being touched unless she initiated it. Anakin and Rex were really the only ones she didn’t get uncomfortable about touching her. Every once in awhile Obi wan would put a hand on her shoulder or something and she didn’t mind that, at least she hadn’t before. Master Plo was probably the only other one that could touch her and she didn’t freak out. So, it was strange that she could feel comfortable holding hands with someone she just met. 

He talked enthusiastically about all sorts of things, from his travels to people he’s met and the type of work he did. He said he owned a repair shop, it wasn’t much but for as young as he was, he thought he was doing pretty well for himself. It sounded a little like bragging, but she didn’t mind. His face lit up when she started talking about fixing machines, all things she’d learned from Anakin. He was impressed by what she considered mediocre knowledge. Though she supposed, considering how much Anakin knew, she probably knew quite a bit more than most. He told her about the latest projects he’d been working on, trying to talk her into coming by sometime so he could show them off. She didn’t make any promises, but it sounded fun. 

By the time they got to the smoothie stand, she’d forgotten much of what was bothering her. Nyx was good company and an excellent distraction. She had no idea how much time they spent talking. The jogun fruit smoothie was as delicious as he claimed. In fact, it was the best thing she’d ever tasted. And she told him so. To which she got a puzzling response. He invited her out to dinner the following night, promising her a meal ten times more delicious than the smoothie. 

She was so tempted to accept his offer, but that was when reality kicked in again. “I can’t,” she said sadly. “I have to get going.”

“But…” he started, and she shook her head. 

“I like you, but I can’t… we can’t…”

“Why not?” he pouted just a little. “What do you have, some overbearing dad that won’t let you date?”

She almost laughed picturing Anakin tapping his foot wondering where she’d been, but her eyes widened. “Date?” He wasn’t her dad and she didn’t think of him like one, but he could be a bit too overprotective sometimes.

“You know, like two people go out and do something fun together because they like each other.”

“Is that what you call what we’ve been doing?” She shifted nervously.

“Well, yeah,” he started.

“I can’t… I have to go…”

“Wait!” he called after her. She wasn’t sure why she stopped, but she did. “We don’t have to call it dating if that’s what you’re worried about. It’s just friends being friends. That’s allowed right?”

She studied his face. He looked so earnest, she wished maybe things were different. Then maybe they could, date… “I’m not allowed to have attachments.”

“Attachments? Like relationships? What a weird rule. I mean, it’s impossible not to have attachments. If you have siblings, you’re attached to them. You’re attached to your parents, or in my case, your guardians because I don’t know my parents. Pretty much anybody that you meet, is an attachment of sorts.” He waved his hands around like he was trying to gesture to the world around them. “People need attachments and relationships to survive. To not allow them… that’s insanity. Where are you from anyways?”

“I can’t tell you that…” she shifted uncomfortably. She suddenly needed to go. Oh man, she was going to get in so much trouble. 

“I don’t know anything about you, it feels like. But I think we’re kindred spirits in a way. Like we’re one and the same. I don’t mean to come on so strong, but if you ever need a place to go or someone to listen… my shop is on level 1313.” He reached out to take her hand and it took all her self-control not to jerk it away. “I hope I’ll see you again, Ahsoka.”

She didn’t know what to say. She hardly knew him at all, but that was the kindest offer she’d ever gotten in her life. “I’m sorry,” she said at last and took off running in the opposite direction. She probably should have thanked him for the smoothie. For being good company. For distracting her. But it was too late now, she was already several streets away.


	4. Chapter 4

It was dark by the time she made it back to the temple and then to her room. “There you are!” Anakin said, practically pouncing on her when she made it to her door. “I’ve been worried sick, are you alright?” Speaking of overprotective…

“Yes,” she said breathlessly. “I’m fine.”

He crossed his arms like he didn’t believe her. “I know you’re tired but come with me.” He’d said it nicely, but she felt the order in it. She really hoped he wasn’t about to take her in front of the council. Okay, so she’d shirked her responsibilities and her studies for the day, but didn’t she deserve a day or two off to recover from what she’d been through?

To her surprise, he led her to the temple hangar and aboard the Twilight. She watched him out of the corner of her eye as he started it up and took off, flying up and out of the atmosphere. “Where are we going?” she asked nervously. 

“Somewhere you can’t run away,” he replied simply, focused on the task at hand. He inputed some coordinates into the computer and jumped them to hyperspace. 

“So, you’re holding me hostage now?” she sat back against the seat in frustration and pulled her knees up. 

“I’m not holding you hostage, but I am worried about you. You’ve hardly eaten, you’ve hardly slept. You won’t talk to me, you keep running away and then you disappear for hours. I can’t help you if you won’t tell me what’s going on,” he said gently, turning to face her. “Look, I know what it’s like to not agree with the council. I’ve questioned them a hundred times at least. But…”

“You know what, master?” She sat up. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but you don’t have a clue what this is like. That’s why I don’t know how to tell you! All you see is that you ran in and played the hero like you always do. But that’s not what I see. Don’t you get it? Yes, you saved my life. But coming back to the order? It was a mistake! I don’t belong there anymore. The council made that clear. I’ve fought for them, I’ve risked my life for them, but on circumstantial evidence not a single one of them fought for me or stood up for me or tried to protect me. One of my closest friends tried to frame me for something I didn’t do. I still have no idea why. The Republic demanded the death sentence for it. These are people that raised me. People that taught me everything I know. People that are the closest thing to family I have ever had. People that I loved and trusted and truly believed loved and cared about me too. How can I fight for them now? Tell me! How am I supposed to put my faith in people that don’t give a damn about me? I trusted them!” She heaved so hard this time, she almost did throw up. She ran to the refresher and collapsed over the toilet, throwing up everything she’d eaten that day. It wasn’t much but it was all there. The pain wracked her stomach and chest as she dry heaved a few times before finally managing to calm down. 

She flushed it down, crying over the toilet bowl. She heard the door open behind her and buried her face on her arms. He sat down on the floor behind her and pulled her back into his arms. She curled up into him and cried until she couldn’t cry anymore. Her eyes stung, her chest hurt, her throat burned. “You’re right. They failed you. What they did to you was wrong.” She waited for him to make some excuse for them, but he didn’t. He fell silent and held her tighter. 

At that moment it felt like Anakin was her only true friend in the world, but she knew that wasn’t true. She didn’t want to let him down. He had so much faith in her. But she really had no idea how she could keep pretending everything was alright. 

She looked up at him after awhile. “Can we go to Christophsis?”

“Why?” he asked, looking at her confused. 

“There’s something I need to do.”

“Well… okay, I guess.” He helped her up and they headed back to the bridge. She was shaky and weak, she was probably dehydrated. But she didn’t feel like eating or drinking right now. He reset the nav computer and they jumped in a different direction. They sat in silence, her shivering, and holding herself tightly. Eventually he went to go get a blanket and he put it around her. She could tell he was trying not to stare at her, but he kept glancing in her direction. She felt guilty again. 

All she’d ever wanted to do from the moment she found out she would be his padawan was prove to him she was worthy to stand by his side. She’d admired him for years, even more so after becoming his apprentice. He was rough around the edges; stubborn, infuriating even, but he had the biggest heart of anyone she’d ever known. At the very least among the Jedi. Though after what she’d seen, maybe that wasn’t saying much. She fought hard for him because she believed in him. And she believed in the way he saw the world. He wasn’t perfect in any stretch of the imagination, but she’d always been convinced he had it right. 

Now though, she didn’t know anymore. She was afraid no matter what happened, she was going to let him down. If she didn’t complete her training to become a knight, it would delay his chances of becoming a master by at least another four years. That wasn’t fair at all, he deserved the rank more than most. That was assuming though, that he’d take on another padawan if she were to leave. She wasn’t a gambler, but the odds of that happening were next to none. He hadn’t even wanted to take  _her_  as a padawan. 

She had a feeling she knew exactly what she’d find on Christophsis. She was starting to think it was impossible for her gut to sink any further. The closer they got to the planet that had started it all, the sooner she believed the words she’d spoken to Nyx would be true. I’m not a Jedi. I don’t know what I am. 

Anakin reached out and took her hand. She brought it up to her face and leaned her cheek onto it. It was getting harder and harder to breathe. Where would she go? What would she do? What would she become away from the order? She was scared. And it was pointless to deny it anymore. 

They flew low over the capital city as they both stared in silence at the ruins and emptiness beneath them. Far as the eye could see, the planet was practically a junkyard now. She’d never seen Christophsis before the war, but she had seen pictures of it. It had once been one of the wealthiest planets, a people of culture devoted to art and architecture and fine goods. There was so little of that left now though. 

It had been almost four years since the battle of Christophsis, one of the earliest of the war. She’d been so desperate to prove herself to the person now sitting next to her, she’d never really seen what was around her. Now though… now memories of the fighting replayed all around her. And the city still looked just as ruined today as it had been then. Four years… and they still hadn’t recovered from the battle here. It didn’t even look like they’d tried to rebuild.

They landed near the center of the city and disembarked the Twilight. Anakin looked around, either confused by it’s still ruined state or what they were doing here. They both looked up when a man hobbled out of the building in front of them.

“Jedi?” he said, a strange lilt to his words. “Thank the maker!” He bowed before them.

“Where is everyone?” Anakin asked as the wind blew through the empty buildings around them. Other than this man in front of them, there were no signs of life. The place was deserted. 

“Very few of us live in the city anymore,” the man said sadly. “As you can see, the buildings still standing are ruined so badly they’re not safe to live in.” As if to prove his point there was a loud crash from nearby, causing the ground beneath them to tremor and the glass to rattle. Then in the final throes of death several windows on the upper floor of the building to the left shattered, raining shards down on the street below it. “Fearing for their lives, the population remaining headed out into the fields forming makeshift shelters out of debris.”

“Why not rebuild?” Anakin suggested. 

“We simply don’t have the resources. What wasn’t destroyed during the war, has been looted. The people are just trying to survive.” He beckoned for them to follow and he led the way towards what was left of a farm within the city limits. “We had fields of food we could grow, but the droid army razed most of them, leaking oil and fuel into the ground. The soil is no longer viable for crops, we have to search far and wide for clean water. We don’t even have a way to clear the roads, so we can get machinery here to start rebuilding. That is if we actually had the machinery necessary to clean this place up.”

“Why hasn’t the Republic sent aid?” She glanced up at Anakin, surprised at how quickly he was suddenly intent on doing something. He hadn’t even heard the things that Nyx had said, and he probably still didn’t even know why she wanted to come here.

“I don’t know,” the man looked down at his feet. “I imagine they have more important matters to attend to. I’ve sent numerous correspondences, but we never get any response. I was hoping that was why you were here.”

“How can we help?” Ahsoka asked before Anakin could say that wasn’t at all why they were here. “Maybe we could start clearing the roads? We have some supplies aboard our ship, it’s not much but it will help for now.”

“Oh, thank you, thank you!” The man bowed before them. “We would be most grateful.”

Anakin looked at her in confusion and she just shrugged. “Follow me,” she said. She led the way back to the Twilight and they went through the supplies that they keep stocked aboard the ship. They found several crates of food and water, so they turned on the repulser lifts and unloaded them from the ship. Bedraggled people seemed to emerge from the woodwork as they set up a place to hand them out. There were only a handful of people left. Some claimed they had others they needed to take supplies to. She looked from face to face, her heart breaking at the state they were in. Four years they’d been living in poverty, starving to death while people on Coruscant had lavish parties and safe places to sleep. Four years, they’d been abandoned and forgotten and left to fend for themselves. It was even worse than Nyx had described. The food they provided would feed these stragglers for barely a week. It burned her stomach.

Anakin put his hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him, a tear rolling down her cheek. A few of the people milled about, talking amongst themselves. “Tell me, why did you want to come here?” he whispered.

“Come with me,” she said. Leading the way into the city and up into a precariously dangerous building. They came out on the roof of one of their vantage points during the battle. “Look at this.” She gestured to the ruined city laid out before them in the waning light of the afternoon. “This is the legacy of the Jedi and the Republic.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, furrowing his brow.

“I mean, this is how people will remember us. We know what we do, right? We’re fighting for freedom. We repel the Separatist droid armies. We do good, right?”

“Of course…”

“Wrong,” she interrupted. “This is what the rest of the galaxy sees. This is the cost of our victories. Why did no one stay to help them clean this up? Why didn’t anybody send them supplies to help them rebuild? Why did we run off to the next mission and forget about them? Can’t you see how wrong this is? Yes, fighting the droid army and freeing the planet it is important. But what good is that if this is all we leave behind?”

“Is this what’s been bothering you?” he asked.

“It’s part of it, Anakin.” She crossed her arms and sighed. “I used to believe in the Jedi order. I used to believe we were warriors for the light. That we fought for the people and what was right and good. But all I see around me anymore is not just how they failed me, but also how they’re failing everyone else. Does this look like good to you? Does this look right? Is this the way it should be? I can’t stop thinking about what Bariss said in that courtroom about how all the Jedi care about anymore is violence. I don’t want to believe that’s true, but that’s what the world sees. We come, we fight, we destroy, we leave… And worse than all of that… we forget.”

“You know as well as I do that the Jedi can’t be everywhere. Our people are spread thin throughout the galaxy. With constant battles to attend to, well… we don’t have people to spare for relief missions.”

She looked up at him and shook her head. Anakin believed in what they were doing. How fair was it to shake his faith in it now too? “For peacekeepers… we sure do a lot of fighting. And if we don’t have the people to spare for relief missions, then perhaps we need to pull back some of our generals.” She headed back down the stairs and towards the edge of the city. She went to work using the force to clear the roads as best she could. She made pile after pile of droid parts, and glass, and debris. She couldn’t move the tanks by herself, so she had to work around them. In the silence of her thoughts, she could hear every creak and groan as though the city itself was crying out for help.


	5. Chapter 5

She stopped working so she could listen when she heard his comm go off. “Oh hi, master,” he said nervously.

“Anakin, where are you?” came Obi wan’s tired and annoyed voice.

“Uh, Christophsis,” he said.

“What are you doing there? You and your padawan are needed for the war effort.” She looked over her shoulder and met eye contact with him. She saw him swallow and look back at the little holographic image of his master.

“I’m sorry, master…” he started, and she turned back to what she was doing. “What I’m doing here is more important.” He clicked off the comm and she looked back at him in surprise.

He turned his comm off when it went off again. “You’re going to get in trouble,” she said.

“That’s nothing new,” he smirked at her. “Help me move this tank.” They worked diligently together for the final few hours of light, doing their best to clean up the city in any way they could. Maybe it wasn’t much, but it felt good. She was tiring quickly having thrown up everything she’d eaten already today. She admired their work. They’d managed to clear at least one major road from the outskirts of the city back to the center where they’d left their ship. She collapsed onto the loading ramp of their ship, exhausted. He sat down next to her and put his arm around her.

“Not as much fun as slicing up droids,” she murmured. “But still important.”

He didn’t say anything at first. “I think I’m starting to understand,” he said quietly. “You’re right. It’s not as much fun. But there’s no reason we can’t make cleanup a game too.” She glanced at him. “Or we could just do it because it’s the right thing to do.” He shrugged at her. She smiled for the first time in awhile. “Oh look at this, thirteen missed calls.”

“Anakin,” she said finally. She felt a rush of emotion. She trembled at what she was about to say. “I don’t want to go back to the order.” His mouth worked for a few minutes, but no words came. “I’m sorry. I never wanted to let you down.”

“They hurt you that badly?” he managed at last.

“I don’t know who I am anymore,” she started, struggling to swallow. “But I know I’m not a Jedi.” She unclipped her padawan beads and handed them back to him. He took them sadly.

“Maybe we can convince the council to see things the way you do,” he said hopefully. “Then you wouldn’t have to leave.”

“You really think that’s possible?”

He sighed deeply. “No. But maybe if the council won’t do anything about it. The Chancellor will. He’s a friend of mine, surely I can convince him to do something to help these people!”

She didn’t want to say that she doubted it. He was so sure the Chancellor would listen. She took his hand. “Even if he does… it won’t change what happened. It’s a start for these people, but I can’t stay in the order. I can’t put my faith in people that don’t have faith in me. And honestly master, I can’t run out on the battlefield by your side questioning everything. It would only put everyone in danger.”

He looked at her so sadly, she felt the guilt rise up again. The way it had felt to see that he’d sat outside the restroom all night. The way he’d tried to hold her and calm her down. The way he was always trying to play the hero; desperately wanting to fix everyone’s problems. Maybe there were some things he couldn’t fix. Chosen one or not. “I know what it’s like to want to leave the order,” he whispered.

“I know.” He looked up in surprise. She struggled to her feet and headed up the ramp into the ship, hoping there was still some food or water left. She found a stray food bar and a water pack and headed to her room. She nibbled on it carefully, hoping her stomach would keep it down this time. Yeah, he knew what it was like to want to leave. He had every reason to. But he didn’t. He didn’t because they had him believing he had to stay. They’d had her believing that too. It was fading now though. So long ago, she’d once thought that Master Plo had brought her home to the temple, to where she belonged. Now though… so much had changed. How could she ever see the temple as home again? How could she be happy there? She trusted Anakin, but… maybe not as much as she used to. She trusted him as a person, but not as a Jedi.

He was what the Jedi should be. If they were more like him, maybe things wouldn’t seem so bad. It felt like everything she’d ever been taught or told was a lie. That nobody in the order or even in the Republic wanted them to see the way it really was. Nyx had been the first real outsider perspective. Even Lux had had a very polarized view of the way things were. Since he’d been on the opposite side of the war.

She thought about the rebels on Onderon, and how hard they’d fought for their home with or without the Republic’s help. If only more planets would stand up for themselves, maybe the Jedi wouldn’t be needed on the frontline. Perhaps their beliefs were fine during peaceful times, but they certainly didn’t hold up during war. Every day she saw more and more things that made her question just how far they were stretching their code of conduct. But when questioned, all they’d do was hide behind the code rather than admit that perhaps they were losing their way. Anakin seemed to think that if the council wouldn’t listen, the Chancellor would, but she wasn’t so sure anymore. He’d not seen the cold, unfeeling stare he’d given her in that courtroom. He’d not felt the strange almost gleeful way he’d acted at the news that she was about to be found guilty. Or how quickly he’d dismissed everything Bariss had said.  If he really cared that much about Anakin, or the Jedi for that matter, why would he be happy to put one to death? Especially one that meant a lot to his ‘friend’?

She paced the cabin, wondering what would happen now. She’d not discussed with him whether or not they could stay longer here. But there wasn’t a lot they could do, just the two of them. So, they’d cleared one road in a couple hours of work, but they couldn’t maintain it for them. The man they’d met had already admitted they didn’t have the machinery to rebuild. The people were living out of the towns probably in makeshift shacks and absolute poverty. They’d given what little supplies they’d had with them to the few drifters that had remained inside the city. So, if they stayed longer, how would they get food and water without taking it from the people here?


	6. Chapter 6

Unable to relax, she went looking for Anakin. She heard voices near the bridge and tip-toed towards it. “I hear what you’re saying, Anakin, but you know as well as I do that we don’t have the people to spare right now. The fate of Christophsis is unfortunate, but until we end this war, there isn’t much more we can do for them.” She heard Obi wan’s voice through the door and sat down outside it.

“I don’t think they’ll survive that long, master. You didn’t see them. They’re starving. The droid army destroyed all of their food and water sources near the city. All but a handful of people have abandoned the capital completely. There has to be something the Jedi can do. Just between Ahsoka and I, we cleared one road. Surely, we can send some relief supplies? Maybe some equipment to help them clean it up? At the very least food and water? Medical supplies…?” Anakin asked earnestly.

“I will talk to the council, but I can’t make any promises. We’re spread so thin as it is. I know it’s hard to understand, but in times of war we have to make sacrifices to ensure the continued survival of the Republic.”

She heard Anakin pound his fist against something. “But these people are part of the Republic! Tell them to their faces why they’re not important enough to save. Their planet was ravaged by our war not theirs. We ended the droid occupation, but then what? We just left them to die! What was the point?”

“No Anakin, their planet was ravaged by the Separatist army. Do not forget who is to blame here. Now calm down before you hurt yourself. You and your padawan are to return to the temple immediately,” Obi wan scolded and she dropped her face in her hands. Great, now Anakin was getting in trouble for her own need to find herself. But how could Obi wan hear what he was saying and simply wave it aside as though it was inconsequential? How easily he’d cast the blame on the Separatists rather than accepting that they were just as much at fault. This was exactly what she was trying to explain to Anakin. The worst part was, Obi wan was completely sincere. He believed in what he was saying. This was the way he and the rest of the Jedi seemed to see the world. Aloof, distant, reserved, separated from the people. Because they never got invested in the lives of individuals, they could easily make calls like this. Who to save, who was more valuable to the Republic… For them, it was all about numbers. The greater good. So why were they leading the war? If they didn’t really care about the people they were saving, why were they in charge?

It turned her stomach to know how little the lives of these “sacrifices” mattered to the rest of the galaxy. Especially to the Jedi who had sworn to protect all life because it was sacred. No one would remember their names. No one would remember anything about them. They’d be left to die while others lived on. That was the price they paid for being innocents in the middle of the war. She knew Obi wan was right, they couldn’t be everywhere. They couldn’t save everyone. But to not even try? To not be moved at all by such a horrible situation? It was true, all they cared about now was the war. She had never been more sure than she was in that moment that they were losing their way and their hold on the light.

At least Anakin cared. At least he saw it even if he too was scared to walk away. This was the reason she’d always believed in him. He fought for the people like they mattered. He cared like no one she’d ever known. He might be the chosen one, but he was still just one person. The galaxy wasn’t his to fix, but he’d sure try to. But if she truly believed between the two of them, they could fix it… she wouldn’t hesitate to stay and try. Obi wan’s response to such a plea proved to her that it was hopeless. They’d never change their minds no matter what either of them said. They’d do far more good away from the order at this point, but it would be a hell of a lot harder. She really missed the days when she truly believed the Jedi were making a difference in the galaxy. When she was making a difference. Now she just felt helpless.

“Anakin, my boy.” She heard the Chancellor’s voice and lifted her head. At least he wasn’t going to stop at the Jedi council. She really appreciated him so much more in that moment. That he would exhaust any avenue to help people, even if in reality, he was doing it to help himself. He truly believed he could undo what the council had done to her. He wanted to believe if they fixed this world, she’d stay with him. And she wanted to. Want was not the problem. Of course she wanted to stay with him. Nothing felt more right in her life than standing by his side. 

But this was something he couldn’t fix. She dreaded that moment out on the battlefield where the council would give them orders she couldn’t follow. And then what? How many people would die if she disobeyed? What if she got him killed? Or Rex or Fives or any of the others? She couldn’t be responsible for that. When she’d trusted the order, she’d follow it whether she completely agreed or not. This would be different. This would be so much worse.

“Your excellency. I’m sorry to bother you, but I need your help.”

“What seems to be the trouble? I’ve been hearing strange reports about you running off on your own missions without the council’s permission,” the Chancellor said.

“Uh… yeah. About that…” Anakin trailed off. “Ahsoka’s been struggling with her faith in the Jedi order. It seems her trial has shaken her pretty badly. Out of nowhere, she asked to go to Christophsis.”

“What was she hoping to achieve by going there?”

“Well, she seems convinced that the Jedi are failing the people. We go from planet to planet and rather than freeing the people, we leave it so much worse off. After what I’ve seen here, I agree with her. I’m not sure what to think about all of it, to be honest. I’ve never seen eye to eye with the council as it is, but this is different. I’m worried about her. She’s insisting that she wants to leave the order, but I think she’d be making a mistake. I was hoping maybe if you could convince the senate to send some relief aid here, maybe she’d stay with the Jedi, where she belongs.”

She shook her head, this was exactly what she was afraid of. Yeah, leaving the order might be a mistake, but staying seemed like a far worse one. “Oh dear,” the chancellor started. “Well you know I can’t use my political influence to benefit only one person…” She rolled her eyes at the ignorance of that statement. So yeah it benefited Anakin or her, but it was also benefiting far more than one person. “I can take it up with the senate of course, but ultimately they’re the ones that have to decide to spare the supplies or reassign our resources. I know you’re quite fond of your padawan, Anakin, but if she’s that unreliable right now, perhaps you should let her go.”

“She’s not unreliable, Chancellor, she’s just lost and hurting. And honestly I can’t blame her.” Anakin said indignantly. “I can’t lose her, your excellency. I’m her master! I’m supposed to protect her. If she leaves, how can I do that unless I leave with her?”

“You’re not actually considering defecting, are you, my boy?” Chancellor Palpatine said worriedly. “You are the greatest hero we have in this war, if you leave, what chance would the Republic have?”

“No of course not,” Anakin said quickly. “My duty is to the Republic and the Jedi order.” She stood up, she couldn’t stand it anymore. Any hope that Anakin would consider a different way of fighting this war was gone now. He was too tangled in everyone’s webs. He’d never let down the chancellor or Obi wan or the rest of the council even if they didn’t care about him nearly as much. Worse, she supposed was that she actually did care about his wellbeing, but she’d probably be the last one he’d listen to now. She could already feel his disappointment in her. How long before it turned into failure? How long before he’d start resenting her for leaving?

She was too wound up to sleep now, so she decided to go for a run instead. She exited the ship and tried to clear her head. Picking up speed as she followed the road out of the city that they’d cleared earlier in the day. She tried to lose herself in the force like she used to but it was still so clouded. After everything that happened, she wasn’t even sure she could trust it anymore either. But now more than ever, if she was going to survive this, she needed the force. She didn’t believe it was bad, she just wasn’t sure anymore of how she’d been taught to interact with it. 

She got lost in the blur of passing scenery, not paying as much attention as she probably should to where she was or where she was going. It felt as though the roads here went on forever. It was just flat as far as the eye could see. There were no mountains, nothing to break the monotony except for buildings and even the few she passed were sad and dilapidated. From a distance though, they just looked like giant crystals growing out of the ground. That was part of their appeal, she supposed. But then once she’d get closer, all sense of beauty faded as she saw nothing but hollow shells of life. 

As soon as she got back to Coruscant, she was going to track Nyx down. He didn’t have to know she’d been a Jedi, but she was coming to realize that she was probably going to need new friends soon. She knew that Anakin cared in his own way, though it often felt like a very selfish way. But he was becoming blind, like the rest of them. He was now so indoctrinated… exactly as they wanted him to be. He was just a weapon, a tool to sharpen and use for their own means. His own happiness, his own needs, mattered to no one. Except for maybe her. 

But she couldn’t save him anymore. Not if he refused to see that he even needed saving. Right now, right now she needed to save herself. She’d ask him to leave the order with her, even if she knew the answer she’d get. But the moment she was back on Coruscant… it was over. All of it. And probably their friendship too. Knowing that, made walking away even harder. But if he refused to hear what she felt like she was screaming at him, then maybe he wasn’t really her friend after all. 

She stopped running and dropped to her knees, shivering in the chilly night air. She rubbed her arms, exhaustion kicking in. She shouldn’t have ran so far after eating so little. After all the turmoil she’d been feeling for the last few days, she was running low on fuel and patience and frankly, hope. She looked around wondering if she had the stamina to make it back to the ship. If not, she’d better find some shelter soon. 

She kind of wished she’d told him where she was going. But she was going to have to get used to this. After tomorrow… he wouldn’t be there to rescue her anymore. She saw a lone building up ahead and started in that direction. There was nothing else around for miles as far as she could tell. She’d never felt more isolated and more alone than she did right now. Why did it feel like this was all her future held now?


	7. Chapter 7

She scanned the broken building. It was smaller than most of the ones in the city, only a couple stories high. Considering its isolated location, it must have been some kind of depot or rest stop for travelers. Whatever it was, it was in the same state as the buildings in town. It seemed impossible that it was even still standing. 

She decided not to test her luck by investigating the upper floors. She’d just have to make do with what was down here. She started clearing a space free of broken glass and debris, so she could sleep. But she didn’t like knowing that anything from above her could rain down on her while she slept. She searched the other rooms and found two decent sized desks that were enclosed on three sides. They seemed pretty sturdy so if she put them both together, she could make a fort out of them and sleep underneath them. They might not hold up if the whole building collapsed, but at least it would protect her from anything that fell from the wind or ground quakes. 

She reached into the force and carried them one at a time back out to the space she’d cleared. She was so tired. How she was even functioning right now amazed her. She felt guilty that Anakin would probably be worried about where she’d gone, but she couldn’t dwell on it. It was what it was. 

She got into position under them and pulled them as tightly together as she could. There was just enough of a crack that she could see through it to the building entrance. But considering how little life seemed to exist on this planet anymore, she imagined she was unlikely to be disturbed. She curled up and fell into a restless sleep. 

She felt it before she heard it and held her breath. The ground beneath her shook, she could see pieces of debris bouncing across the tiles. This wasn’t a quake, she could feel it in the force. She saw a flash of red and then something very big and very heavy landed on top of the desks, snarling at her through the now widening crack. She pulled her hands together and attempted to hold the desks in place with the force. Her heart racing in her chest. 

A low growl came from her right side, leveling off into a squeal that hurt her head. This was not good, not good at all. She peeked through the crack to the side and saw three claws, each bigger than her hand. The dim light from the moon outside, glinted off the scaly, shiny skin. It moved around her hideout, sniffing and whining. It’s mouth partway open to reveal dozens of small, yet pointy teeth. It turned suddenly, its large blue oval eye right up against the sliver of visibility between the desks. She sucked in a breath. Akk dogs. 

They were deadly on the best days. The one above her clomped back and forth, heavy footfalls made a deafening sound inside her fort. She arched her back, making herself bigger. Her montral stripes darkened in a warning. She parted her lips and let out her own guttural growl. The one above her leapt down from the desk, shaking the whole room. One of them started whining as they went back and forth growling warnings at each other. 

They were both huge, triple her size at least. She could just make out scratches and missing scales. Clear signs of abuse. These creatures had been domesticated. Likely they’d gotten loose during the chaos and had never been recovered by their owner. The way the scales fell across their rib cage meant they were starving. They’d probably survived this long feeding on anyone foolish enough to wander off on their own. Like her. Without her lightsabers, she didn’t stand a chance against two full grown akk dogs. Whenever possible, they hunted in pairs. One would attempt to disable, the other would go for the kill. And the fact that they were hungry meant they were even more dangerous than less. 

She growled again when the other one pressed its face against the crack, snorting into her space. It’s eyes were cloudy. It was probably half blind. That didn’t really help her though, it was still deadly. And it had help. Maybe if the blind one was here alone, she’d be able to knock it out and make a run for it. But where? There was nothing around for miles. 

One of them started clawing at the desk, a sharp headache inducing sound as it scraped slowly across the surface. She couldn’t hold her head and use the force at the same time. She tried to focus on holding the desks together, but it wouldn’t stop them from eventually destroying them. She was cornered prey, and she doubted she could out wait them. They were desperate, and knew just as well as she did, there was nothing else for miles. If she couldn’t hold her position, she’d have to throw them back, hopefully knocking them out and making a run for it. At this point, up was her only option. They’d easily outrun her out in the open. Akk dogs were even worse than akuls, and akuls were hard to beat one on one. Let alone two on one. If she went up, her only hope would be to collapse the floor underneath them and hope the fall killed them. Doing that though, meant the whole building would probably come down on top of all of them. 

At this point though, it was her only option. She steeled herself, sinking into the force, feeling her way around and where they were; waiting for the right moment to make her move. They stubbornly refused to stand near each other though, so she wouldn’t be able to hit them at the same time, and that split-second delay would be enough for the other to make the kill. She knew what it was like to be hungry, but she didn’t want to be someone else’s dinner.

As soon as she released her hold on the desks, it would be chaos and a desperate scramble to survive. Who would win? Two starving, vicious beasts or one tiny Togruta with barely enough energy left for a small burst of the force. She peeled her lips back. She really didn’t want to think about it. 

“Ahsoka!” she heard his call and it completely broke her concentration as one of the akk dogs leapt so hard off the desks it slid them apart. 

“Anakin, look out!” she screamed. 

She heard them both pound out of the room, shaking the whole thing as they headed towards what they believed would be easier prey. At least he had his lightsaber. She hoped…

She rolled through the hole out from under the desks and raced to the door. He wasn’t far away, his weapon out, as the two creatures circled him. He looked up and saw her standing there. She felt something from him she hadn’t felt before. Not on the battlefield anyways. He was afraid. Either for himself, or for her. And then she heard it. Her eyes snapped to the direction they’d come from and then back to him. 

He flipped backwards as one of the dogs lunged at him. He brandished his lightsaber at it, but it made a very shallow cut through the scale. “Not good,” she heard him mutter. 

“The belly, hit them in the belly,” she instructed. One of them turned and saw her standing there and started running at her. Bad move, to split up at this point. Starving animals were deadly, but willing to take risks they normally shouldn’t. 

“Ahsoka!” He dropped his guard and narrowly missed getting swiped by the other one. She raced back inside and dove under the desk. The one that had followed her landed hard on top of it again. At least with one of them distracted, he had a better chance to take out the other one. To her surprise though, he came running into the building too. The other one right on his heels.

“What are you doing?” she yelled at him in confusion. “I had one of them distracted.”

“Yeah, well…” He flipped to the side just barely missing the swing. “Two hungry akk dogs seemed easier than a whole battalion of battle droids!”

“Look out!” He ducked as the one that had been on top of the desk leapt at him. It hit the wall and fell down dazed for a moment. He backed away from the other one and into the two desks she was using as a fort. She reached her hand out, drawing on any energy she had left and stopped the bigger one in mid-air before it landed on him. “Throw your lightsaber!”

“Yeah like that’s a good idea,” he smirked.

“Just do it!” she demanded through gritted teeth. “I can’t hold it…” He reluctantly threw it as she instructed, slicing a large gash across its abdomen. She released her hold on it and it fell hard to the floor. Before he could move to retrieve his lightsaber, she grabbed the back of his robes, jerking him into the makeshift fort, just as the other one pounced right where he’d been standing.

It growled at them, clawing at the desks and she tried to pull them back together with the force. “Now what?” he asked, crossing his arms. “My lightsaber is out there.”

“Yeah well… at least you’re not dead.” She shifted uncomfortably. The area under the desks was now a lot more crowded with his long lanky body inside it too. Not that she wasn’t used to being stuck in cramped spaces with him. This seemed to happen to them a lot. “I’ll try and bait it to the other side so you can reach for it.” She scooted to the far side of their hideout and stuck her fingers out the side. The akk dog sniffed the air and followed her smell, jumping off the desks long enough for him to pull them apart and summon the lightsaber to his hand. She pulled her fingers back in right as it tried to chomp down on them.

It jumped back up onto the desk, whining and then let out a low mournful howl. Then to their surprise, it laid down. She felt guilty for what they were about to do, but now that its hunting buddy was dead, the poor thing wouldn’t survive out there alone. She pointed at its belly that was just visible through the crack and he nodded sadly. She closed her eyes as he lifted his lightsaber up and ignited it, stabbing it through it’s soft, vulnerable flesh. It whimpered for a few minutes and then fell silent. For some reason, having to kill it in such a way felt terrible.

Anakin watched her for a few minutes as they sat there in silence, feeling the weight of exhaustion and pain. “Are you okay?” he asked finally.

“Yeah, you?” she answered. He nodded and dropped his shoulders. “Now what?”

“Well… since the Seps are here, we might as well get comfortable for the night, since there’s no other shelter nearby. At least with the akk dogs here, I doubt they’ll be able to scan us if they come anywhere close to this place.”

“What about the other people?” she asked worriedly.

“There’s nothing we can do for them now,” he said quietly.

She sighed and curled up on the floor, resting on her arm. He too, stretched out as much as he could and rolled so he was facing her. “What are they doing here?”

“I have no idea. Hopefully they have no intention of killing anyone. If the people are smart, they’ll just surrender. Unfortunately though, we left the ship in the middle of the capital where they are. So…” He didn’t say it, but she felt his irritation. “If I’d known how far you had run, I would have used it to track you down. Once I left the city, that’s when I heard them. I had no choice but to leave it and keep running until I found you or shelter.”

“I’m sorry,” she breathed, closing her eyes and feeling like an idiot. When she’d made the decision to not head back to the city tonight, she’d thought he’d just worry. She had no way of knowing there were creatures out there hunting or that the Seps would make it impossible to return. “I wasn’t trying to run away this time. I just needed to clear my head. I thought some fresh air would do me good. But I didn’t think about how tired I already was or that I wouldn’t have the energy to make it back. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I  _was_  worried. When the man we met earlier said he saw you running away from town really fast, I was afraid you’d…” he trailed off. And even in the dim light, she saw the flash of pain that swam through his eyes. “I talked to the council, but they told me they don’t have people to spare. So I called the Chancellor, but he said it was up to the Senate to decide to send relief. He’d certainly put the motion forward, but now that the Separatists are here… well, I doubt they’re going to send supplies. I even tried to convince Padme to put in a good word too. I wish there was more I could do.”

“At least you tried. I appreciate that.”

He was quiet for a moment as he chewed on his lip. “You weren’t going to stay even if we got these people help, were you?”

She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, choking on the words and the guilt that was going to eat away at her.

“I’m trying to understand, but I guess I don’t,” he murmured. “I’ve done everything I can, but you just want to run away.”

She reached out and set her hand on his arm. “You know how hard it is for me to trust, right?” He nodded. “Do you know why I don’t trust people easily?” He shook his head this time. “When I was a little girl, this beautiful woman came into our village. She moved with grace, she spoke softly but eloquently. She was dressed in full Jedi robes and told my people that she was looking for force sensitive children to take to the temple to train to become Jedi. They were enamored by her, so they paraded me out in front of her. For reasons I didn’t understand at the time, I did not like her and did not trust her. We found out later she was a bounty hunter, kidnapping children that could use the force for who knows what reason. So… when Master Plo came along awhile later. Nobody trusted him, nobody believed him. He was pretty frightening to behold. But this time, I felt comfortable with him. So when he offered to take me to the temple, I accepted. That experience with the bounty hunter marred me though. From then on out, it was really hard for me to trust anybody at their word. Too many people in the temple looked and acted like she did and it made me uneasy. I think somewhere deep inside, I swore to myself that the only person I would ever completely trust was myself. As the years went on, I tried my hardest to let go of that fear and learn to trust the people around me. It was hard, but I started to. In fact, the biggest leap in my ability to trust came after becoming your padawan. You were the first person in my life that repeatedly showed me I could count on you. So anybody that you trusted, I tried to. And then…” her voice cracked and he took her hand and squeezed it. “Then the smallest piece of doubt was cast on me. People truly believed that I could be involved or even behind the temple bombing. And suddenly it felt like every single person I’d ever tried to trust had turned on me. The moment you exclaimed in front of the council that they’d already made their decision when I’d been desperately pleading with them to hear me… that was when it felt like my heart imploded in on itself. Then I sat inside that cell, awaiting the trial before the Senate. And you came in, like my knight in shining armor, trying to fix everything for me. I was grateful, so very grateful. But Anakin… you can’t fix this. No one can. What happened didn’t just shatter my trust in everyone else, it shattered my trust in myself. The moment I asked myself who I was without the Jedi order, was the moment I realized I didn’t know. My whole life revolved around being a Jedi. Everything I was, involved the Jedi teachings; their training, their education, their  _everything_. The only way I can possibly recover from this is to walk away from all of it and figure out who I am without them. It has nothing to do with you. Believe me, I wish I could stay. Right now… it feels like you’re the only person I  _can_  count on. But you’re also a Jedi. Until I know where I stand, what I believe without someone else telling me what to believe… how can I have faith in what you teach me? You were raised by them too. If I stay, like this… questioning everything. I’m going to bring you down with me, and I can’t do that. I  _won’t_  do that. You know what it’s like to question them. To want to leave… so why don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” he whispered. “I guess because it feels like leaving would be selfish. I don’t agree with everything they teach, but to leave now… in the middle of the war… If I really am some chosen one… I can’t let them down like that.”

“Well, maybe it  _is_  selfish to walk away now. But if I don’t… I’m endangering you and everyone else we fight with or for. I can’t do that,” she sighed finally and rolled so her back was to him and curled into a fetal position. She was too tired to argue with him. She had no idea how long they were going to be stuck under the desks together, but she wasn’t sure she could handle much more of this. She felt like just a hollow shell of what she’d once been. Why was that so difficult to understand? He was right, it was selfish to leave now, but how could she in good conscience stay and fight when she no longer knew what she was fighting for? Of all the people out there that could understand this, she would have thought he would.

He reached out and put his hand on her arm near her shoulder. She closed her eyes, hating that in the past few days, their relationship had been reduced to this. She didn’t even know what to call it anymore. Were they still friends? Was he still her master? He didn’t even feel like a brother to her now. It felt like there was just empty space between them. He slid his hand down her arm towards her elbow and then to her surprise he scooted closer to fill that blank space. He was suddenly right behind her, moving his hand across her stomach leaving a trail of electricity in its wake and then he pulled her back into him.

She wasn’t sure what to do. It felt so weird to be laying there with him so intimately, but admittedly, after everything she’d been through, it felt really good to be held like that. She moved her hand so it covered his where it had come to rest over her abdomen. He leaned his cheek on her back lekku and she felt something stir deep inside her. It reminded her of the way it had felt to hold Nyx’s hand on the lower levels of Coruscant. That brief moment in which she’d let go of all her inhibitions and trained reserve, and just allowed herself to feel something new. She chided herself, why was she even considering him this way? Do friends hold each other like this? They hugged often, was this that much different?

Exhaustion kicked in and she couldn’t think straight anymore. For the first time since the trial and everything that led up to it, she felt safe for the moment. She relaxed into his embrace and let herself drift off.


	8. Chapter 8

“Ahsoka.” She brought her hands up to rub her eyes, blinking at the one ray of light peeking through the crack in the desks. She rolled her shoulders to stretch and realized he was still holding her.

“Anakin?” she murmured, turning to try and look over her shoulder.

“Do you smell that?” he asked. She tipped her head back and sniffed the air. She wrinkled her nose at the smell of the now decomposing akk dog above them.

“I smell death,” she replied.

“Well yeah, besides that.”

She sniffed again, trying to push aside the rot that was burning her nostrils. “Smoke.”

“I thought so,” he said, and pulled back his arm so he could sit up. “Ouch.” He bonked his head on the desk. She giggled before she could stop herself. “Forgot about that.” He rubbed the spot he’d made contact. She started to sit up too, trying to listen intently, but his muttering was making it difficult. 

“Shh!” she said, and he froze and looked up at her. 

“What do you hear?”

“At the moment, just you talking,” she smirked. 

“Very funny.”

She closed her eyes and reached out with the force, sinking into instinct as she listened to the world around them. She screwed up her face. “I hear screams,” she whispered sadly. “But it is echoing, almost like a memory. It’s coming from that direction.” She pointed to one side. “I doubt we’ll find anything good there.” She looked at him, surprised to find him watching her carefully. “What?”

He shook his head and looked down at the floor. “Well if that’s all you hear, then it must be safe enough to move.” Back to the business at hand, he started to push the desks apart so the dead akk dog didn’t fall in on them, but that there’d be enough room to get out. He slipped out the hole he’d made and stood up, looking around. It was her turn to watch him. Suddenly it felt as though something between them had changed, but she couldn’t quite put her finger on it. For spending the night on the floor in a ruined building, with enemies out there in close proximity and two dead creatures nearby… she’d slept surprisingly well. She had no idea how long she’d slept, but she actually felt refreshed. She couldn’t remember the last time she could say that. Was it because of the way he’d held her, or had she just been so exhausted her body had simply shut down for the night? Maybe it was a combination of the two?

He left the building, but she could still see him through the doorway. He pulled his portable monoculars out of a pouch on his belt and brought them up to his eyes. She watched him as he slowly turned, scanning the horizon. She couldn’t shake the weird feeling that had settled on her chest. Had he just held her to comfort her or was there something else there? He disappeared around the outside and she could only assume he was sweeping the perimeter. 

She understood his caution, they were out in the middle of nowhere it seemed like. The moment they decided to make a run for it, they’d have no cover or shelter for miles. Which would make them easy targets if the Seps were still in the area. She sighed and crawled out from under the desks, looking around. She felt sorry for the two akk dogs that had just been hungry and hoping for their next meal. Of course, she hadn’t wanted to be it. But it was clear they’d been mistreated and barely surviving as it was. Maybe it had been a mercy to put them down. 

After the Separatist occupation here, could the same be said for these people? Anakin came back in and looked at her somberly. “You’re not going to like this,” he whispered. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, steeling herself for what he was about to say. She had a hunch she already knew. “There was a settlement about five clicks to the east. It’s gone now. Burned down to smoldering ruins. I can only assume there are no survivors.”

“So all the people that had fled the city in order to survive were wiped out?” She let out a sob before she could stop herself and he moved forward to pull her into a hug. She clung to his robes. “They were looking for somebody weren’t they?” This felt like her fault. She’d come here needing to see it for herself. She’d hoped to help the people in some way. But now they were all dead. Slaughtered like the animals.

“It looks that way,” he said quietly. 

She dropped to her knees. “It’s my fault. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have come here. They were better off without me!” she cried into her hands. 

“Ahsoka,” he said, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her back to her feet. “We don’t know that they were here looking for you or me. We didn’t lead them here. Nobody but the council and the Chancellor knew we were here. You can’t blame yourself for this.”

“But…”

“Listen to me,” he said firmly. “I know you’re scared. I know you’re questioning everything. But right now, we have to focus on survival. You need to get your head back in the game. Whatever the future holds won’t matter at all if we don’t get through right now. And even if you no longer agree with the Jedi teachings, they are what’s going to keep us alive.” He brought a gloved hand to her cheek and touched it softly. “Are you with me?” She swallowed hard and nodded. “Good. Let’s go.”

He took her hand and led her out of the building. She brushed away the tears and squinted around at the nothingness before them in all directions. 

“Now which way do you suppose it is to the capital?” he asked. 

“That way,” she pointed to their right.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Okay then, walk or run?”

“If the Seps are still here, the less time in the open the better. Run,” she replied. He nodded, and they sprinted in the direction she’d pointed. At some point he let go of her hand since they could run faster in the force when they found their own stride. She stayed as close to him as possible, he was as much a blur as the passing landscape. It wasn’t always smart to run like this. In battle zones it made you difficult to track, but the clones couldn’t keep up and you often needed to conserve your energy for fighting. Here though, it was more important to be fast and hard to catch. Since she couldn’t remember how far she’d run the night before, it surprised her at how long it took before the capital city came back into view. 

She was slowing down though. Her muscles ached, her stomach growled. She was parched. Too little nourishment left her even more vulnerable than normal. Add to that, that she didn’t have her lightsabers or even a blaster and she felt practically useless. Yes, she had the force, so she wasn’t completely weaponless, but there was only so much knocking people back and shielding you could do before getting overwhelmed. And considering how depleted she already was… and surely he was too… they weren’t going to last long if they had to fight. 

She stumbled a few minutes later and landed hard on the ground. Anakin was back by her side trying to help her to her feet, but her ankle crumpled beneath her. Oh great. On top of all of that, she had to hurt herself. Sharp pain radiated up her leg and into her hip. She looked back to see what she’d stumbled over. Oh no… “Anakin! You have to go. Leave me or you’ll never make it.”

“I’m not leaving you,” he said stubbornly. 

“They’ll be coming any minute now. Go, please,” she begged. “I won’t let you take the fall for this.”

“We escape together, or we get captured together. We’re not splitting up.” His arms were around her before she could protest and she was lifted into the air. She could feel his exhaustion the moment he touched her. She could feel his pain and his fear and his determination. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek. “What was that for?” He looked at her in surprise. 

“Um… a thank you I guess.” She looked away feeling stupid. What the kriff was she doing? Just because he’d held her for the night didn’t mean there was anything between them. She’d felt his determination to save her and it had seemed like an appropriate response after everything that had been happening. She didn’t know what the future held, but he was here right now, and she supposed… she should stop belittling the importance of that. Did it really matter the reason if the person was there just the same? She didn’t think it was possible to be any more confused than she already was. But apparently…

He looked at her for a moment longer and then seemed to shake himself. He carried her while running as fast as he could towards the city. She closed her eyes to listen. Even in the air, she could feel the vibration through him. They were coming. Why hadn’t she been watching where she was going? How stupid that she’d made such a newbie mistake; tripping over a perimeter sensor. This was exactly what she’d been worried about. Her insecurities and doubts getting in the way of missions.

She hugged him tighter, trying to fight the rising panic. There were buildings within view, now if only they could make it there. She looked up at the unmistakable sound of vulture droids. “Anakin!”

"I hear them!” In a burst of speed, probably pure adrenaline, he raced the final mile to the outskirts of the city. They rolled through a doorway, seconds before blaster fire lit up where they’d been standing. The vulture droids couldn’t fit inside the building, but it wouldn’t stop them from trying to destroy it or the other smaller droids from following instead. She looked up as he took her face in his hands. “Whatever happens, we’re in this together.” She nodded at him. 

Together. Such a simple word. Something that the Jedi didn’t seem to understand. Any others probably would have left her out there like she’d told him too. Would together still hold if she wasn’t his padawan? Would he still feel that way if their death was assured? Trust was a commodity she’d been struggling with from as early as she could remember. From the moment that false Jedi had tried to kidnap her as a child it had taken years for her to ever trust again. She’d trusted people in small things, but never completely. Anakin and Rex… they were the only two. And now that she thought about it, maybe that was what terrified her about the future the most. If she were to walk away, would she ever learn to trust someone again?


	9. Chapter 9

“Up,” he said pointing above them. 

“Won’t we get trapped?”

“Maybe, but out definitely isn’t an option at the moment.”

“Why are they chasing us? I know I tripped a sensor, but it didn’t even pause to see who we were,” she whispered. Knowing every second they waited would be one less second they had to escape.

“You think they came here to kill the survivors?” he asked thoughtfully. “Anyone and everyone that moves…”

A horrible thought occurred to her and she swallowed it. Anakin was trying to understand her now, the last thing she wanted to do is start an argument with him. No, she didn’t believe the Jedi were behind it, but what if…? It couldn’t be true. She shook herself and tried to stagger to her feet. A piercing pain shot through her leg and she nearly collapsed again. He caught her right before she face planted. “I think it’s broken.” She wanted to hit something.  _Stupid stupid stupid._  She’d fought in countless battles, and sure, had gotten her fair share of scrapes and bruises… but to break her ankle now? Here? In the middle of what was fast becoming a death trap, just because she tripped over something? It was starting to feel like the force wasn’t on her side anymore either.

He was about to say something when an explosion hit nearby, rattling the entire building and raining debris down on them. Her head buzzed for a few minutes as it tried to recover from the deafening sound. She couldn’t hear what he was saying, but he lifted her in his arms again and struggled to carry them up the broken staircase. 

She buried her face in his shoulder, silently apologizing over and over again for getting him into this mess. Why had she wanted to come here? Why had she asked him to take her? She’d been so caught up in the moment; full of fear and doubt and pain. Still buzzing from everything Nyx had said to her. It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Now… now it felt like they were going to die here. Together… is that what he’d meant? Together until the end. 

She was suddenly reminded of the promise she’d made herself and to the force the moment she found out she was going to be his padawan.  _I will not get the Chosen One killed. I will fight by his side until my dying breath._  How long ago that seemed. How impossible it felt now. 

By the fifth floor he was slowing down. She could hear battle droids marching below them. The standards had finally caught up with the vultures. She looked around, scanning the building for anything… anything at all to help them. And then she saw it. “Put me down,” she ordered. 

“Ahsoka…”

“Listen to me! I have an idea. But I need you to leave me here and go on ahead.”

“I told you, I’m not…”

“Leaving me, I know. I appreciate the sentiment.” She brushed her hand across his cheek. “I’ll be right behind you. Go!” He set her down, but he hesitated. Looking her over as though he were trying to memorize her. “Don’t worry!”

“I don’t like this,” he said, emotion whispered through his words. 

“I know.”

“If you’re longer than thirty seconds behind me, I’m coming back,” he promised. 

“Deal.” She smiled at him, strange how at peace she suddenly felt. Thirty seconds. It wouldn’t be that long. He disappeared up the stairs taking them two or three at a time and she turned around, hopping over to sit on the bottom one. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She’d stretched herself beyond her limits already. But she was going to use what little she had left to make sure he got out of this alive. After everything he’d done for her, he deserved that much.  _I love you…_  she whispered in the force. It didn’t matter if he heard it. She hoped though, whatever happened… that he’d  _feel_  it. 

“Surrender, Jedi!” The first battle droid to top the landing ordered. She’d been right, they were here for her. There was no other explanation as to why they knew she was a Jedi. Battle droids were not bright enough to recognize one that carried no weapons. She put her hands up, waiting for the army to still as it bottle-necked there on the stairs.  _Eighteen… nineteen… twenty…_

Without opening her eyes, she reached out with the force with everything she had left. The crumbling wall opposite the stairwell leaned precariously towards her. With one final pull, she jerked it forward. The air was filled with sounds and smells of crushing metal, dying droids and repeated crashes as the four floors below them collapsed under the weight of the thick stone wall. 

The building shook and trembled as it fell apart beneath her, destroying everything in its wake. She coughed as a billow of dust and smoke burned her nose and mouth. She clutched at the dangling railing as the landing dropped out beneath her feet. For a second it felt like she was falling. It was over. At least now he had a chance to escape.  _Twenty-nine… thirty…_  she never hit the ground. 

She opened her eyes in surprise as the first floor got farther and farther away. She was in his arms before she’d completely registered what was happening. He held her so tightly, she was amazed she could still breathe. “What the kriff are you doing?” he swore, sounding breathless. 

“Saving your skin, obviously!” she replied indignantly. “Why didn’t you wait the thirty seconds?”

“I did! I just count faster than you!” He grabbed her face in his hands. “Has anybody told you how infuriating you can be?”

“Once or twice…” She rolled her eyes. Suddenly his lips were on hers and she froze, eyes widening in confusion. He pulled away and she stared at him in disbelief. “What was that for?” she whispered in shock. 

“Um… a thank you, I guess,” he echoed her words from earlier. 

“That was some thank you." 

"Come on,” he said instead. He put her arm around his shoulders and slid his around her waist. She forgot about her ankle or the pain or the thousands of battle droids that could still be out there. All she could think about was where his hand rested against her stomach and the way he felt standing next to her. This was not good. Well… it was  _good_ , but not really a good time for this. As if they needed more distractions right now. 

She watched the side of his face as he carefully helped her hop up the stairs. ‘Together’ had a whole new meaning. She tried to shake herself. They couldn’t have that kind of relationship. She knew that. And it wasn’t even because of the Jedi. Whatever had happened last night, when he’d pulled her into his arms… it seemed to have awoken something. Something that may have always been there, but had lain dormant beneath rules and regulations and duty. And as she watched his face, screwed up in concentration, she knew it wasn’t one-sided either. He felt it too. Maybe it wasn’t good. 

Was this why he’d been so desperate to make her stay? It didn’t make any sense. He’d been in love with the senator as long as she could remember. Everybody knew that. Now she had an even bigger reason to walk away, and yet, a far more tempting reason to stay.  _Oh brother…_


	10. Chapter 10

They stopped several floors from the top. She’d lost count of how many they’d climbed. They were both breathing heavy. He helped her sit down and then practically collapsed himself. She saw several bodies out of the corner of her eye and crawled towards them. Both were dead, but recently. Blaster wounds, not starvation. She closed their eyes sadly and heaved a sigh. She recognized one of them from when they’d handed out supplies. 

“Ahsoka!” he called, and she looked up. Two packs of water and several meals landed in her lap. “They won’t be needing them anymore. Eat up, we need our strength.” She knew he didn’t mean to sound cold, he was just stating facts. But as guilty as she felt, she didn’t have the luxury to starve herself on principle right now. She ripped open the first water pack and chugged it. By the time she’d dug into the food, she was feeling more like a person again. Amazing what a little sustenance could do. She hadn’t realized just how ravenous she was until she was knee deep in the third pack of food. The wise person would save one of each for later, but neither of them had a way to tote supplies around and themselves. Right now, it was about fuel. Fill up and make it last. 

He’d been just as hungry, because he’d practically inhaled all three of his packs. Chugging both waters and starting to pace. 

“They know we’re in here, but they can’t get to us from the ground now. Odds are, they’ll wait for us on the roof or try to bring the whole building down on us,” he muttered more to himself than to her. “Man, I really wish we had some supplies with us. A grapple gun, some detonators, a first aid kit would be really nice right about now.”

She finished her second pack of water and looked up at him. “I guess we’ll have to be creative then.”

“So it would seem. Problem is, we don’t have enough options to be creative,” he stroked his chin, which was usually Obi wan’s move. Maybe he hoped he could channel his master by doing that? She watched him absentmindedly, knowing that it wasn’t safe to stay there. Five minutes ago, she’d thought she was thirty seconds from dying and now… she shook her head. Who was she kidding, every moment just seemed to delay the inevitable death. Part of her wondered why he was so convinced they were going to get through this together. Normally surrendering was a last resort. But after what had happened on the stairwell, she couldn’t shake the feeling that only one of them was going to get out of here alive and it wasn’t her. The problem was, well the two problems with that were; she’d never be able to convince him to leave her and save himself, but also, even if she did surrender, he’d try to rescue her.

She wished she could tell him the doubts that were creeping in from all sides, but now wasn’t the time. She looked past him at part of the wall that was built around one of the large crystal formations that Christophsis was famous for. “Anakin?” He stopped pacing and looked at her. “Let me see your lightsaber.” He shrugged and tossed it to her. She crawled over to the wall and ignited it, sticking it into the crystal. She wasn’t sure exactly what she’d expected, but with how solid and sturdy they’d seemed, she’d been certain the lightsaber wouldn’t penetrate it.

“What is it?” he asked, getting closer and looking over her shoulder.

“The droids are expecting we’re going to come out on the roof most likely. But if we don’t come out at all they’re probably going to bring the building down. What if you were to carve a burrow out of the crystal and we hide in there? It’s strong enough, even a massive explosion probably won’t break it. And it has a heat signature.”

“They won’t be able to scan us.” He clapped his hand on her shoulder.

“There are already bodies in this building. When it collapses, and they can’t find us, they might assume we died when it was destroyed.”

“I like the way you think, Snips,” he said. She smiled as he took back his lightsaber and went to work cutting. The hardest part about cutting into the crystal, was they had no way to break pieces out, since they couldn’t cross cut it as they go. The best they could hope for was that with the force, they could break it enough to hollow it out, but not destabilize it. He pushed his weapon into the crystal all the way to the hilt and started making a circle big enough for them to both fit inside. She could hear droids moving around outside and then the sound of several tanks heading their way.

“We’re running out of time,” she said, reaching into the force as he finished his circle. She willed the crystal piece to crack. These crystals were similar to the kind that were used for lightsabers, but not as unstable. Even so, there was a life to them, it felt wrong to cut into them like this. But right now, the need to survive this was winning over right or wrong. She felt the fibrous strands start to bend under the force of her concentration. He reached into the force too, and together they managed to break it from it’s hold on the larger crystal and pull it out.

“Deeper?” he asked. There was just enough room for the two of them to sit inside, but if anything flew too close after the building was gone, they’d be easily spotted and completely unprotected.

“One more round.” He nodded to her and crouched into the first hole and began cutting the second. Once they’d removed the second piece like they had the first one, he instructed her to crawl in. Then he disappeared for a few minutes and came back with a chunk of wall roughly the same size as the hole he’d cut in the crystal and two foot-long strips of metal. He tossed the metal strips in and then climbed in too, pulling the wall piece in behind them to protect them from the inevitable blast and also from visual detection, but leaving enough space for air. The droids would have no reason to suspect it was there to hide something and not just remnants from the explosion.

“So now we wait,” he said, sitting back on his heels with his back to the covered opening.

“Now we wait,” she repeated. He stared at her for a moment and then he removed his belt, pulling off his twin leather tabards and then his outer tunic. She watched him curiously. He scooted forward and reached out for the ankle she’d been favoring since she’d fallen earlier. She studied his face as he carefully removed her boot and slid up her leggings enough to get a good look at her now swollen ankle. She flinched a little as he ran his fingers softly across her skin. He sunk into meditation, moving his hand along trying to heal it as best he could. Neither of them were force healers, but he’d learned a few things from Master Kenobi. The pain started to recede a little, spreading out from the places he’d touch. He wasn’t strong enough to heal the bone, but he could soothe the skin itself and possibly reduce the inflammation.

He opened his eyes and set her foot down gently on his lap, putting the two metal strips on either side of her ankle and then ripping off the sleeve of his outer tunic. He wrapped the makeshift splints snugly into place and tied them off. “Better?” She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. It was starting to feel as though ever since she’d told him how little trust she had in everything now, he was determined to prove himself to her. Which was funny, because he was the only person that didn’t need to.

“Have you ever thought about who you’d be, without the order?” she asked cautiously. She saw him take a deep breath and play with his hands.

“I’ve thought about what I’d want if I wasn’t a Jedi, but never who I’d be,” he admitted. He chewed on his lip for a moment. Tank shells could be heard behind them. It was true, they were starting to bring the building down. He set her foot back down on the pile he’d made of the rest of his clothes and scooted past it, so he was deeper inside their hideout, his back to the solid crystal at the end. They sat there, side by side watching the entrance, feeling every tremor as multiple explosions rocked the ground. She really hoped she was right about this crystal protecting them.

She closed her eyes as the metal whined and creaked and started crashing down. They couldn’t see what was happening, but the sound of dying buildings was one they knew well. She half expected at any moment for something to rip out their makeshift door and it would be the end of them too. But to her surprise and relief, the crystal had in fact held firm, protecting them with it’s massive girth. She listened to the shouting and movement of the troops below as the pile of rubble came to rest. She used the force and her instincts to amplify the sound to get some sense of what was happening. She knew Anakin couldn’t hear it as clearly as she could. He sighed next to her and leaned against her.

“Rest. I’ll keep watch this time,” she whispered. She didn’t even have to tell him twice. He relaxed into her and she felt his breathing deepen. All the adrenaline that had been pumping through his system had faded now. Considering what all had happened to both of them since they’d landed here, it was amazing either one of them could stay awake, let alone fight and use the force. On top of the physical exertion from the run, he’d had to carry her too. She wasn’t very heavy, but when you’re already tired and low on fuel, it could be the difference between life or death.

“Any sign of them?” she heard one of the standard battle droids shout from below.

“None, commander,” another one replied.

“Scan the wreckage.”

“Roger roger.”

“Sir, we’re picking up organic matter buried beneath the rubble in sector 3. Scanning another one in sector 5.”

“Targets have been eliminated. Move out.”

“Commander, Dooku is demanding a report.”

“Patch him through.”

“Status report,” came the unmistakable drawl of Count Dooku.

“The Jedi attempted to hide in one of the buildings. We destroyed the building before they escaped. Two organic signatures have been scanned beneath the rubble. There’s no way they could have survived that.”

“You fools! You were only supposed to kill the Togruta!”

“Sir, we had her cornered alone, but she brought down the wall on half our troops.”

“My master wanted Skywalker alive. For what purpose I don’t know, but he needed his padawan out of the way. Remove the rubble and confirm that it was Skywalker and his apprentice that were killed.”

“Roger roger!”

She stared straight ahead. So their trick might have fooled the droids, but Dooku would want proof. She wasn’t sure what to think about the rest of the conversation. Whoever had ordered Dooku to send troops here, she had been the target. Her mouth went dry. That meant one of two things… either someone that sat on the Jedi council was a traitor, or that the Chancellor of the Republic was a Sith lord and Count Dooku’s mysterious master. At this point, either could be the truth. As far as she knew, the entire council had been willing to turn her over to the mercy of the Republic senate. So if she was a threat to any of them, that definitely would have been the easy way to get her out of the picture. How they got the rest of them to agree to it, she didn’t know. But what would be their motivation to get her out of the way? They were the ones that had assigned her to him in the first place. What would they gain? As far as she could figure, none of them stood to gain from killing her, not even to use him in some way.

Which meant… If the chancellor was the Sith lord they’ve been hunting… And Dooku was his apprentice… what would he want with Anakin? She tried to think about what she’d overheard him telling the chancellor the night before. He’d told him she was feeling lost, that she didn’t trust the Jedi anymore… She almost wished Anakin had been awake to hear the droids talk to Dooku, she wasn’t sure he’d believe her if she told him. Whatever was going on and even if she chose not to stay, she was going to have to tell somebody about this. She hoped though, she picked the right one. Who on the council was the least likely to be a possible Sith? And were any of them people she felt she could go to and might actually listen?

Likely… her best option was Obi wan. But then again… he was the only one on the council that actually seemed to care about Anakin’s wellbeing. After what she’d overheard Dooku say, that was suspicious in itself. The only thing she could think of as to why he’d want her out of the way was because she was a distraction. Was that enough to kill her though? She shook her head. She couldn’t do this. It felt like she was drowning all over again. If she told Master Plo, would he listen? Master Windu was the coldest one on the council, but she’d never before had reason to believe he was evil. Master Yoda held the most power of all of them, could he be leading them all astray? He had been Dooku’s Jedi master after all. Were they still working together?

No, whether she agreed with them or not, or even whether she trusted them or not, she was certain it wasn’t one of them. They were making plenty of mistakes, but none of them were inherently evil, just misguided do-gooders. So if it was the Chancellor, then what did he stand to gain? She suddenly had the strongest urge to talk to Padme. Would the senator believe her? She might not help on the Jedi end, but maybe she could help on the political end.


	11. Chapter 11

She let him sleep well into the afternoon as she listened. As she’d predicted, the droids were too dumb to check the random piece of wall in the middle of a giant green crystal, however many floors off the ground. They’d found the other two bodies and had already reported to Dooku that it hadn’t been them. He was adamant they needed to be found, and this time, to make sure only  _she_  was eliminated. He was also sending general Grievous. _Wonderful_ , as if they didn’t have enough problems already. 

When they failed to report to the Jedi temple in a reasonable amount of time, would anyone think to come looking for them? Considering what she’d overheard between Anakin and Obi wan the night before, she highly doubted it. If they couldn’t spare even one Jedi on a relief mission, they definitely wouldn’t spare the resources on a rescue. Especially since they had no reason to believe they were in danger based on the last report they’d heard. 

How long could they hide out in the crystal? They’d be lucky if they had three days, without food and water. But if General Grievous was coming, he might notice their little hideout. Though mostly a droid himself, he wasn’t as stupid. She wished they had a way to call for help. She wished Artoo was here. Or that there was someway to know the ship was still in tact, or even more that if they managed to get to it… would they be able to escape the planet without flying into a full blockade?

Based on what little information she could piece together from what she’d overheard, Dooku hadn’t sent a whole army. Only a couple of cruisers full of droids. They’d probably established a base not far away, but it was still far too many for just the two of them. By this point in time, they probably had set plenty more perimeter sensors and scanners. If they moved away from the crystal, they’d likely be tracked immediately. Even just trying to find another place to hide could get them killed. 

They wanted Anakin alive. Which meant, their only viable option was to surrender. Otherwise they’d both get killed trying to run or fight. Surrendering at least offered passage off the planet, and a chance at being rescued. Who was she kidding?  _He’d_  have a chance at being rescued. Her, not so much. Both the council and the senate believed her to be expendable. But he was the chosen one, and the hero of the people. To both institutions, he’d be worth saving. She wasn’t suicidal, but she was being realistic. If she couldn’t get away from him, she was going to bring him down. Exactly as she’d told him she wouldn’t do. 

She reached out and took his hand in hers. Bringing the back of it to her lips. He wouldn’t feel it, he was too deeply asleep. He needed the rest too badly to disturb him now. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, regretting everything that had brought them to this point. “I’m sorry, master. I hope you can forgive me for this, someday.”

She carefully pushed him away from her so he was leaning against the crystal wall instead. Then she scooted down the tunnel towards the edge of their hideout, taking care to move all his stuff so he still had it when he woke up. She listened for a moment for any signs of activity in the immediate proximity. There was just an eerie silence. The battle droids had moved on from this area, it was safe to expose the hideout. She really hoped that the moment they found her, they’d stop searching for him. They’d told her to surrender before, but Dooku had claimed they were supposed to kill her. Either way, if she was out of the picture, he would be left alive. 

She glanced back at him, leaning against the crystal in a deep, hopefully restful sleep. “May the force be with you,” she whispered and pushed the wall piece out, using the force to stop it before it crashed into the ground. She was a lot higher up than she thought they were. Or it just seemed that way without the building there. One final breath and she leapt out. She used the force to slow her fall, and rolled the moment she was close to the ground, to avoid landing on her ankle. 

She knelt there for a moment and took a deep breath, waiting, listening. No signs of movement yet. She saw a pipe nearby that was broken and about her height. She pulled it towards her and put her weight on it to steady herself so she could stand. Using it as a crutch to keep herself upright, she hobbled out of the ruined building, clenching her teeth to the pain. 

She tried not to think about what she was doing, focusing her attention purely on taking one step at a time. She made her way towards the main avenues, but turned away from where they’d left the ship. If she was going to get caught, she wanted it to be as far away from his escape route as possible. She had no idea how long or far she walked before she heard them coming for her. She just hoped they were far enough away from him. 

She stopped walking, letting the pipe hold her weight as she waited for them to come to her. “Ahsoka Tano,” General Grievous snarled at her from the top of the tank pointed at her. She steadied herself and looked up at him emotionless. 

“General.”

“Surrender or die,” he spat. 

“Not much of a choice,” she murmured indifferently. “I’m too tired to make it though, you decide.”

“Arrest her!” Grievous ordered the droids closest to him. She closed her eyes as they kicked her knees out from under her and she fell to the ground, dropping her crutch. They jerked her arms behind her back and secured them with force binders. 

“Sir? What about Skywalker?” One of the standards asked him. Grievous just growled and knocked it so hard it severed its head from its body. 

“Leave him. We have what we came for.”

She breathed a sigh of relief as they dragged her back to her feet. At least her sacrifice wasn’t in vain. He’d live to fight another day. With the droids off Christophsis, he could get away. Because of her broken ankle, she couldn’t walk as fast as they wanted her too, so they ended up dragging her back to their ship. 

From the cell they’d thrown her into, she felt the ship lift off. She regretted that he’d wake up to find her gone. She regretted the panic that he’d experience over it. But to protect him, the Republic and everything he stood for… she’d face whatever was coming and fearlessly stand until the end. The ship lurched, groaning against the added pressure on the hull as it leapt to hyperspace. 


	12. Chapter 12

The next few days passed in a blur as she was repeatedly drugged and tortured. She spent every waking moment deep in the force, searching for peace and comfort, and of course, the will to survive this. Hopefully Anakin had made it safely off Christophsis. She knew he was probably looking for her. She also knew he was probably beating himself up for it, believing that it was somehow his fault. If only she could tell him that wasn’t true. She didn’t blame him for this. She only blamed herself.

It had been her idea to go to there in the first place. Her begging and pleading to help the people. At this point, she didn’t really care what happened to her, but she wasn’t exactly sure why they were keeping her alive. They probably hoped to use her against him. If only telling him not to come after her actually worked. She’d made peace with her situation and the force. If nothing else, it no longer mattered if she called herself a Jedi or not. She knew what she had fought for and she believed in it. Even if no one else believed in her.

She wasn’t sure how long it had been before she was brought from her cell to the command deck of the Separatist ship. General Grievous was standing before a holotable, talking to a few members of the Jedi council. Well, more accurately, making demands. “I have something that belongs to you,” he was saying. She swallowed. She’d been right, they were going to use her as leverage for something. She almost laughed at the thought that he really believed they were going to give in to his demands for her. And then she saw that Anakin was there too. She was relieved to see he’d made it back to Coruscant in one piece.

Grievous reached behind him and grabbed her by the arm, pulling her forward into range of the transmission. “Ahsoka!” Anakin practically shouted. Relief and worry written all over his face. “We have to rescue her!” he said to Master Kenobi who was standing next to him. Then he looked back and made eye contact with her. She shook her head at him. He gave her a confused look like he didn’t know why she was telling him not to. Grievous was still talking, but she’d stopped listening. The only conversation she cared about right then was the silent one between her and her master.

 _It’s what he wants_ , she mouthed at him.  _Don’t give in._  He watched her sadly. She could see the weight of pain and fear, draped all over him like a cloak. She knew he didn’t understand. She knew he wouldn’t let her go that easily. She was grateful for that. But whatever Grievous was telling them, was most certainly a trap. And she’d sacrificed herself on Christophsis so he could live on. She didn’t want him to get killed trying to rescue her. She gave him a reassuring smile.

Then she glanced back at the other Jedi standing there. Master Kenobi with his one arm crossed and the other stroking his beard. Master Yoda sitting on his floating chair, emotionless as he listened intently to Grievous’ demands. Master Plo with his four claw-like fingers pressed against each other, deep in thought. And of course, Master Windu, who stood rigid, his eyes sharp and his expression cold. These were people she’d admired her whole life. She didn’t have to hear their words to know what they were thinking. Each and every one of them was weighing the odds. Trying to determine how valuable her life was and if it was worth the cost to save her.

She felt the end of the conversation and knew she wouldn’t get another chance. “The chancellor is the Sith lord!” she shouted quickly, seconds before the transmission faded. General Grievous made a disgusted, angry growl and hit her hard across the cheek. She squeezed her eyes shut as her vision went red, moving her jaw slowly in response to the pain. She grimaced, knowing she’d probably just sealed her fate. But it didn’t matter what happened to her now. They knew the truth. What they’d do with it, well that was another story. As hard as it was for her to trust people now, she really hoped Anakin trusted  _her_  enough to believe her. Even if it was a truth he wouldn’t like. She knew as well as they did, that that tiny piece information meant there’d be no reason to rescue her. So… why would she lie about something that would get her killed?

She doubted she had any credibility with anyone on the council anymore, but…  _Anakin,_  she thought.  _If you want to play the hero, now’s the time. Stand up for me, make them listen._  Everything went black and she sunk to the ground.

Her head was pounding when she came to. She wished she could rub it, but her hands were still bound behind her back. She was amazed she was still alive. She didn’t know how much time had passed. She didn’t know where she was. She didn’t know what was happening out there. But she really hoped the Jedi council was responding to the information she’d passed onto them. And that maybe, just maybe, it could end the war sooner rather than later.

Several droids came in awhile later and dragged her to her feet. Her ankle was still hurting far too much to put much weight on it, so she had to half hobble along, but mostly let them hold her up. She had no idea where they were taking her this time, but there was no reason to resist. Even if she could fight them, the odds of escaping alone, with an injury, were not with her.

She was brought before another holotable. It didn’t feel like the same ship she’d been on before. Again, her legs were knocked out beneath her and she blinked up at the larger than life image of a cloaked figure from her knees. “Ahsoka Tano,” it drawled. So… this was the Sith they’d been hunting from the beginning of the war? She tried to clear her head and get a feel for who it was. She really hoped she’d been right when she’d told the council who she’d suspected. It didn’t look like him or feel like him for that matter. But it didn’t look or feel like anyone else she knew either. Was it possible for Sith to hide themselves so easily that you wouldn’t recognize them in their true form? But considering that she was being brought before him after giving away his secret, most likely meant it  _was_  him and that she’d made him angry.

“Chancellor,” she said, trying to keep her calm and poise. She didn’t fear him. She didn’t fear anything anymore. She felt his anger before he responded, and it confirmed her theory. But obviously, if the Jedi had taken her seriously, they’d not managed to bring him down yet.

“You have been a thorn in my side for far too long,” he sneered in annoyance.

“Sorry about that,” she replied casually. “It’s one of the many things I’m good at. Ask anyone. But, if I’m in your way, why are you keeping me alive?”

“You and your master have a strong bond. It’s time to send him a message.” She didn’t know how, but he hit her with force lightning through the transmission. Electricity ripped through her body as it felt like it was tearing itself apart. She tried to clamp down the pain. She tried to outwill it. She was not going to be used to bring him down. She fell back on her heels, panting when he released her. She looked up at him defiantly as a thought occurred to her. It was unheard of to use the force through a communications device, but since apparently it  _was_  possible, it must mean he wasn’t far away from where she was. Which might just mean… she was near Coruscant. Which would also explain his certainty that Anakin would feel what was happening to her.

“He will destroy you,” she promised through gritted teeth.

“He will bend to my will!” She was hit with another blast of lightning and she rolled her eyes back, sinking into the force. She had to hold onto peace and calm, even in the middle of this pain. She would not lure Anakin to his death or worse… “Skywalker will be mine!” She didn’t feel the third blast at all. Her body twitched and jerked under the force, but her mind was miles away.

 _Anakin,_  she whispered into the force.  _If you can hear me… don’t listen to the Chancellor. Don’t listen to anything he tells you. You’re worth too much to the galaxy to fall to him. Resist him._

“Ahsoka!” she felt her name more than heard it. He’d gotten the message. It was all she could do.

 _The Separatists…_   _they’re coming. They’re close to Coruscant. Please,_  she begged.  _Protect the people._


	13. Chapter 13

“Commander Tano.” She blinked up in surprise, having to squint at the bright light that flooded her cell. She saw a flash of white with faded blue and thought she might cry tears of joy.

“Rex?” she whispered. Her throat was dry and parched. “Boy am I glad to see you.”

“The feeling is mutual.” He helped her sit up and broke her binders. She rubbed her wrists and tried to stretch her arms. Rolling her shoulders and trying to pull herself together. He handed her a pack of water and a food bar. She took them gratefully and finished them off as quickly as she could. “General, we found her,” he said into his comm.

“My ankle is broken,” she informed him. “I won’t be able to move very fast.”

“We’ve got you covered.” He slipped his arm around her waist and lifted her to a standing position. “Can you put any weight on it?”

“Not much,” she replied.

“Fives, get over here,” he ordered and she smiled when he appeared in the doorway.

“Good to see you, commander,” Fives nodded to her as he took up position on her other side.

She had a million questions she wanted to ask them, but right now, they needed to focus. Rex had reported to Anakin that she was alive, which meant he was too. She’d been unconscious, so she had no idea what had been going on out there. “Status?” she asked.

“General Skywalker and Kenobi are leading the assault against the Separatist fleet over Coruscant. General Windu and a few others are still on the surface preparing for a ground assault. The chancellor is MIA at the moment, but we suspect he’ll reveal himself soon,” Rex replied quickly, as him and Fives practically carried her down the corridor. She saw dead droids everywhere she looked. Now that she was more alert, she could see the ship around them was heavily damaged. How had she slept through a battle? They met up with more troopers a few minutes later, that cleared the path back towards their ship. 

They came to a crossroads and Fives was forced to let go of her to help backup the other team fighting a large group of droids heading their way. Rex helped her sit down against the wall and pulled off his pack. She smiled when he pulled out her lightsabers. “Thank you,” she whispered gratefully.

“General Skywalker said he was tired of you not having them,” Rex answered. “Not sure what he meant by that.”

“It’s a long story,” she chuckled. She leaned forward trying to peek around the cover and assess the situation. “You got any droid poppers, Captain?”

“Torrent company, droid poppers!” he ordered. Three others pulled out the small round devices and threw them at the incoming enemies. Rex took out the two standards the poppers didn’t hit. “Keep moving!”

He helped her back to her feet. They made it back to the ship without meeting much more resistance. 

“Commander on deck,” Rex said, the moment they walked through the door to the bridge of the twilight. All troopers present saluted her. 

“At ease, gentlemen,” she said. It sure was nice to be around people that respected her again. Anakin did of course, but being back in charge made her feel like she wasn’t as lost as she had felt before. “Thank you for the rescue, let’s get out of here.” She hobbled over to the pilot seat and sat down. 

“Don’t you think a medical droid should look at your foot, first, commander?” Fives asked. 

“It can wait until we get out of this mess,” she replied simply, and started up the ship. “After what I’ve been through, I need a distraction.”

She saw them exchange glances out of the corner of her eye and then Fives sat down in the copilot seat. Rex stayed standing, holding the back of her seat. She flipped the switch to detach them from the Separatist vessel. 

“Admiral,” Rex said into his comm. “We’re away, fire when ready.”

“Acknowledged,” she heard Admiral Yularen’s familiar voice. Maybe she didn’t want to be a Jedi anymore, but admittedly, she would miss this. Not the fighting or the battles, but the camaraderie with fellow soldiers and the deep bonds they formed through shared experiences. And maybe the clones had been created for this war, but they were people she admired and respected, and would very dearly miss. They were like family. More so even, than the Jedi. 

She flew them away from the Separatist battle cruiser that was now being fired on by the Resolute. The explosion behind them made the Twilight tremble slightly. Home free, they were home free. Well… if she could even call Coruscant home anymore. 

A couple vulture droids peeled off from the rest of the fight and started chasing after them. “Looks like we’ve been noticed,” she murmured. “Defensive positions!”

She turned on the shields and stood up to flip the fuel coupler to give them a boost of speed. She weaved the ship back and forth, to make them a harder target to hit. “Got one!” Came Dogma’s voice.

“What about the other one?” Fives asked teasingly.

“Working on it!” She rolled them around and pushed the controls forward so the Twilight did a nose dive, weaving around in a circle so the vulture droid ended up in front of them. 

“Time to eat lasers, clanker!” she shouted as she pushed her thumb down on the trigger. It exploded in a brilliant burst of light. “Man, did that feel good!” The crew on deck gave a hearty whoop and she turned them around heading back towards the Resolute. 

“Fancy flying, Ahsoka.” She smiled at Anakin’s words as his voice came through the ship comm. 

“Oh you know, master, I owed them a punch or two,” she smirked even though he couldn’t see it. 

“It’s good to hear your voice,” he said softer. 

“It takes a lot more than that to bring down this Jedi.”

“Don’t get cocky,” he teased and she laughed. The comm ended and she smiled to herself as they closed in on their destination. 

She thought she heard something, but a distant explosion drowned it out. And then all at once, she heard blaster fire behind her and ducked out of the way a split-second before it hit her. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Rex demanded and she glanced over her shoulder to see that he had Tup in a headlock. 

“Good soldiers follow orders!” Tup said sounding kind of trancelike. 

“Explain yourself!” she said, but had to turn back to the controls. His blaster had cut right into the engine control and they were losing speed. 

“Good soldiers follow orders, good soldiers follow orders,” he repeated, struggling to free himself. 

“Let him go,” Fives said, but Rex shook his head. 

“Somebody fetch some binders,” Rex ordered. “Until we know why he just tried to kill Commander Tano, he’s to be restrained.”

She didn’t have time to worry about what had just happened. She was frantically trying to get the engine working again. Almost getting shot was bad enough, but now they were sitting ducks in the middle of a battle. 

“Something’s wrong, can’t you see it?” Fives asked from behind her.

“What’s wrong, is that he just tried to kill the commander.” Dogma came up to join the discussion. “Why’d you turn traitor?”

“Good soldiers follow orders!" 

"Admiral Yularen,” she commed the Resolute. “We’ve got a bit of a situation here." 


	14. Chapter 14

“What’s going on?” Anakin demanded breathlessly after barely letting his ship come to a stop before leaping out. Rex and Fives were in front of her arguing about Tup. Dogma had his blaster pointed at Tup’s head. 

After the admiral had sent them a tug to get them safely aboard, they hadn’t made it very far from the Twilight. Rex had called Anakin and he’d come racing back to see for himself. He glanced at her as she stood there being held up by another trooper. 

“Tup tried to shoot the Commander. All he’s said since is ‘good soldiers follow orders,’” Rex reported. 

“Who gave you the orders?” Anakin asked, stopping in front of Tup. He just repeated what he’d been saying since it happened, but didn’t make eye contact with anyone. “Who gave you the orders?” Anakin repeated, grabbing him by the armor and pulling him to his feet. 

She hobbled forward and put her hand on his arm. “Stop!” He looked at her confused, but let go. “Look, something’s wrong. I sense something off about him. I don’t think he was hired to do it.”

He studied her face. She tugged on his arm so they could talk away from the group and he helped her hop twenty feet away. “What do you mean?” He helped her sit down on a crate as she sucked in a breath. She’d been overdoing it with her ankle injury. 

“He sounds like he’s in a trance, like he was mind controlled. I don’t think he had any idea what he was doing. I didn’t want to say it in front of the others, but I think…” she trailed off. He knelt down so he could look her in the eyes. “I think he malfunctioned.” She grimaced at her words. She never wanted to think of the clones as property or equipment, but she didn’t really have another explanation. Except… one even more outlandish than that. 

“Mind control?” He whispered thoughtfully. 

“When I was brought before the Chancellor, he was able to use the force to hit me with lightning  _through_ the holocall. I didn’t know that was even possible. But if he can do that, who is to say he couldn’t also do a mind trick through a comm as well?” She said. 

“He hurt you?” She felt him tense and she grabbed his hands. 

“It’s over. Forget it. We need to focus on how he was able to influence Tup without anyone knowing.” She glanced past him at the group of clones. “I’ve never seen mind control do this though. He should have snapped out of it by now. I think he’s sick.”

He turned so he could watch them too. “That’s why you said you think he malfunctioned…” he whispered. She watched him chew on his lip as he thought things through. 

“Anakin, listen to me.” He turned back to face her. “I have a really bad feeling about this. If the Chancellor was behind this whole war… how much do we know about our soldiers? I mean, normally I would trust them with my life, but what if they’ve been tampered with? They were created for a war we didn’t even know was coming after all… I’m not sure why, but I think he has a trick up his sleeve that’s going to be far worse than anything we’ve seen so far. And what could be worse than our own army turning against us? Tup was acting perfectly normal until I said I was a Jedi. That’s when it happened.”

“What would you suggest?” he asked. 

“I think we need to take him back to Kamino and demand some answers. Hopefully they can heal him up too.” He nodded. They made their way back to the group.

“Prepare a medical transport, Captain,” he gave the orders. 

“Yes sir!” Rex saluted and passed on the orders through his comm.

“Ahsoka and I are going to escort him to Kamino.”

“Master, you should stay here. They need you for this battle,” she said. “I can take him.”

“Can I go too, sir? He was my best friend,” Fives asked, there was concern in his voice, not malice. 

Anakin glanced around the group. “Okay. Ahsoka, you and Fives will go, with a few other troops. As soon as this battle is over, I’ll meet you there.” He set his hand on her shoulder. “And please let the doctor look at your ankle.”

She smiled. “Medical transport!”

“Be careful,” he whispered after everyone else had moved away. “I don’t like sending you alone.”

“I can handle it. I have my lightsabers this time.”

He smiled briefly, but looked back at her with piercing eyes. “I know, but…”

She looked around them to make sure nobody was paying attention to them and then she grabbed the collar of his robes and pulled him down. She kissed him quickly on the lips. “I’m sorry I disappeared on you before, but after what I overheard, it was the only way to ensure you’d get out of there alive. The chancellor doesn’t want to kill you, he wants to use you somehow. Whatever happens to either of us, swear to me you won’t give in to him.”

“But…”

“Anakin, please,” she begged. “He’s known you for years, he knows you struggle with letting people go. He’s going to try and use that against you. Don’t let him. And if you won’t let me go when the time comes, I will do it for you.”

“Ahsoka…” he took her face in his hands. 

“After everything we saw on Christophsis… the way they slaughtered everyone just to get to us… don’t let the world burn for me.”

“The transport is ready,” Rex said, coming up behind them. 

“Thank you, captain.” She gave Anakin a reassuring smile and hobbled away. Rex helped her to the transport and she glanced over her shoulder at Anakin who was watching her go with such a sorrowful expression, she felt the guilt rise in her throat again. Whatever happened, he had to stand firm through it. And she would do whatever it took, to make sure he did. Even if it meant sacrificing herself again. Though she really hoped it wouldn’t come to that.


	15. Chapter 15

She stared blankly at the hospital bed that Tup was now strapped to. Fives sat across from her, a few other troopers she didn’t know very well were nearby standing guard. The doctor had given her some pills to dull the pain in her ankle while they had to work to realign the bones. She could hear the sickening cracks, but couldn’t feel it thankfully. At least with medical technology now, once reset in its proper place, it wouldn’t take long to heal. She’d healed from worse injuries in less time. Although that was usually because she was in the temple healing ward with force healers. 

They’d given Tup a sedative because he was fighting the restraints so hard they were afraid he’d hurt himself. She wanted to be angry about what he’d done, how close he’d come to almost killing her. But she knew deep down, it wasn’t his fault. It couldn’t be. She’d served side by side with him for years. The nature of this troubled her though, deeply. To think that the Chancellor had been behind all of this. What else could he have been doing that they had yet to discover? It scared her, to say the least; that someone with that much power could be pulling strings on both sides of this war. But probably what scared her more than that, was that the Jedi council, all of them… had been face to face with him hundreds of times and not a single person had suspected him.

Her eyes flickered to Fives who was sitting on the seat, clearly on edge as he watched his friend. Even in her hazy state, she could feel his fear and confusion. It went deeper than just what was happening to Tup, he feared himself too. He was wondering the same thing she was; is it contagious? Is it preventable? Is it survivable?

He must have felt her eyes on him because he looked her way. She saw the shadow in his normally soft and good-natured brown eyes. Eyes that despite being physically identical between millions of troops, never carried the same soul as their brothers. “What’s going to happen to him, Commander?” he asked, emotion constricting his normally confident tone. She felt the question he hadn’t said too,  _what’s going to happen to me?_

“I don’t know,” she whispered. “But I promise, we’ll do everything possible to help him."  _And you._  He looked doubtful for a moment, as though he wasn’t sure why she would promise to help the person that had tried to kill her, but then he nodded and looked back at Tup. "Fives.” He glanced at her again. “I don’t blame him for what happened. And neither does General Skywalker.” He studied her face a moment and then nodded again to express his appreciation. She watched him relax a little. 

He was quiet for a long time, much of the rest of the trip was in silence. After resetting her ankle, they’d set it inside a foot soak of bacta gel, so that it could expedite the healing. The drugs they’d given her wore off after an hour or two, but it was already feeling a lot better than it had been. She refused the next round of pain meds so she could keep her head clear and stay on alert. The swelling visibly went down after three hours and she was relieved that however long she’d gone with it untreated hadn’t destroyed the possibility of it healing properly. 

She sighed and leaned back against the seat, closing her eyes and rubbing her head. She let herself sink into the force, still aware of her surroundings, but needing some peace and calm. After all the torture she’d endured, the force had become a very very dear friend; something she most definitely didn’t take for granted anymore. Without it, she never would have survived what they’d done to her.

She let her mind drift to Anakin, hoping that he was safe and doing what he does best. He’d wanted to send Artoo with her, but she had told him no. She loved the droid, but when he was flying and fighting battles in his fighter, Artoo could mean the difference between life or death out there. She hoped they’d be able to end the siege on Coruscant quickly and that Anakin wouldn’t be far behind them. It wasn’t that she couldn’t handle what needed handling here, it was that admittedly since Tup had turned on her, she felt suddenly uncomfortable being around only clones. She tried to shake herself at her stupidity, these were people she’d fought with since the beginning of the war. They’d only ever been good and loyal soldiers. True, a few had deserted and a few more had turned traitor, but they’d saved her life and fought by her side more times than she could count. She owed them every ounce of respect she could give. 

But if there was something not in their control, that could make them turn on their Jedi or the people they served under… she most definitely did not feel safe being alone with a squad of them. The last thing she’d want to do is kill them over something they couldn’t help. 

She pushed her fears aside and let her mind wander to better things. Things that she probably shouldn’t be thinking about, but she enjoyed thinking about just the same. Everything that had happened on Christophsis had been absolutely terrible. Well everything  _except_  him. Regardless of his motivations for trying to help the people, Anakin had thrown everything he’d had into it. He’d tried his best to understand her, to help her, to hear her. He’d gone out of his way, pushing past all limitations, to protect her. And when she’d felt like everything was crashing down around her, like she was being ripped apart into a million pieces, he’d held her. He’d held her as though he could singlehandedly hold her together. And maybe, that was exactly what he’d done. 

She’d never before experienced the kind of peace and calm, safety and trust, that she had in his arms that night. She’d never before slept so deeply in such a dangerous situation, or at all, for that matter. But if Jedi rules of attachment forbade any kind of outward displays of affection, then they’d most certainly committed some kind of taboo. Jedi weren’t required to be celibate, but you weren’t supposed to form bonds with those you chose to sleep with. They hadn’t slept together in that sense, but they’d definitely formed a bond through it; an even deeper one than they’d had before. Not to mention how much weirder it was since he was her master. Though he wasn’t much older than her, it was still inappropriate. Or so the council would probably tell them if they knew. 

She didn’t think a relationship between her and Anakin could be that bad. It might be somewhat distracting, but all she’d seen is that it had brought them closer, and more in tune with each other. They could communicate better without speaking. They could trust each other without questioning. They could protect each other deeper than they ever had before. So why wouldn’t the Jedi approve of such a relationship? Kissing him had seemed as natural of a communication as the words they spoke to each other. If not more so. The amount of information that had been exchanged between them just by a peck on the lips would take far too long to articulate. 

It wasn’t just a ‘goodbye,’ it was a 'see you later.’ It wasn’t just an 'I care,’ but an 'I know.’ It wasn’t just an expression of love, but a promise to hold on. It was a far more effective and efficient message than even the Jedi mantra, 'may the force be with you.’ It expressed that and so much more. And in Anakin’s case, who feared loss more than anything else in the world, it was an 'I’m with you,’ too. But also it was a 'thank you;’ a token of appreciation for every ounce of themselves they’ve poured into you. To communicate all of that with words, seemed hardly comparable and oddly unsatisfying.

The problem was… even if he harbored any feelings about her when it came to that kind of relationship, it didn’t change the fact that he was still in love with Padmé. She didn’t know the true nature of their relationship, but she definitely knew it was deeper than what the Jedi allowed. It was certainly not a casual fling on the side. So while she sat here debating their own transgression that could easily be excused as friends supporting each other, he’d been carrying on a relationship on the side with someone for as long as she’d known him. She thought about how he’d responded to her question if he’d ever thought about who he’d be if he left the order;  _no, but I’ve thought about what I’d want…_

She swallowed hard and sat up, coming out of meditation. She wasn’t it. She knew that, she’d always known that. Fantasizing about him wouldn’t help. If only they could have explored the feelings that had seemed to surface in both of them during their time on Christophsis.  _If only…_

“Sir, we’re coming up on Kamino,” one of the troopers informed her. 

“Thank you,” she said, allowing the doctor that had reappeared to remove her foot from the small bacta tank and wrap it up. They put it in a brace and helped her back into her boot. They told her to stand and she did as they instructed. She could put weight on it now. There was still discomfort, but she could walk with only a slight limp. To heal completely, she needed to keep it braced and a few more soaks in the healing gel. 


	16. Chapter 16

She stepped out onto the landing platform, blinking up at the torrential rain. She could hear the waves of this water world, splashing angrily against the support columns as though intent on destroying that which disrupted its natural flow. She’d never been to Kamino before. Anakin had described it as a lousy place to live. After that, she’d supposed she’d never even been curious. So this was where they grew people as if they were plants? Where Rex and Fives and Tup and every other clone she’d ever met had come from? If she’d thought being inside a small ship with only clones was scary, being here, where there were thousands had sent her nerves into overdrive.

A tall slender Kaminoan female, escorted by two troopers stood outside the doorway waiting to greet them. Her and Fives walked Tup’s stretcher towards the entrance. Very little was said as they turned to guide them inside and out of the rain. She looked around, taking in the sterile, brightly lit hallways that seemed to go on forever. There was nothing interesting about them, they simply served the purpose of moving them from one area of the complex to the other. Tup moaned as he started to come to. She set her hand on his, hoping to comfort him.

They came around a corner to yet another intersection that spread out in three possible directions. All three looked exactly alike and she was certain she could easily get lost in here. “You must say goodbye to your friend now,” the Kaminoan spoke at last.

“Yes doctor,” Fives whispered, trying to hide his uncertainty. She watched the doctor take control of the stretcher and lead them down the left hallway. She turned in surprise at a familiar presence as Master Ti seemed to come out of nowhere. It was a welcome sight to see another Jedi here. Which was ironic considering that just a few weeks ago she hadn’t wanted to be around any of them.

“Padawan Tano,” Master Ti greeted her. She bowed to the Jedi master. “You must be Fives.”

“General,” Fives nodded.

“You served with him?”

“Yes, General,” he confirmed.

“Then you must come with me.” She turned to go.

“With all due respect, I’d rather not abandon him now,” Fives said nervously.

“You must let the doctors do their job,” Shaak Ti replied. Ahsoka reached out and set her hand on Fives’ arm. “Do not be afraid, your friend is in quite capable hands. Doctor Nala Se is the Chief Medical Scientist on Kamino. She was one of the primary engineers of all the clones. Now we must take care of you.”

“Me?” Fives asked in surprise glancing at Ahsoka. She knew what he was thinking. It was the exact same question he’d been afraid to ask earlier. “There’s nothing wrong with me, General.” She felt the fear in him. “I’m perfectly fine.”

“We can’t be sure of that until we’ve completed a full exam. If it was a virus that has caused the breakdown in Tup, you have more and likely been exposed to the contagion,” Master Ti replied.

It was Ahsoka’s turn to step forward. “Master Ti, forgive me, but who told you it was a virus?”

“The doctor, of course,” Shaak Ti replied. She exchanged glances with Fives again.

“Master, may I have a word with you in private?” She felt uneasy all of a sudden. There was nothing in the call to Kamino that should have made them believe Tup had a virus. Yes, his condition had been slowly deteriorating, but otherwise, she should have been informed that they suspected mind control, not a pathogen. Unless of course a pathogen was what allowed the mind control to work. That’s how it had been with the Genosian parasites anyways. But this, this was something else. She was sure of it.

Master Ti hesitated a moment but then consented, leading them to a room not far away. 

“Fives, stay here. No matter what anybody says to you, do not leave your post until I come out,” she ordered. Fives looked confused for a moment but nodded. Maybe she was being overly cautious, but she would not take the chance that someone would come along and take him somewhere without her knowledge. 

“What is this about, padawan Tano?” It took a lot of effort not to smirk in response to the Jedi masters’ condescending tone. She really hated that out there fighting she was a commander and a leader but then a Jedi master would not so eloquently remind you that you were beneath them; lower and not respected. In that moment in particular, it really burned her blood. Because of the way Anakin treated her, she sometimes forgot how little credibility she had with the others. As if she needed the reminder that they did not trust her. Shaak Ti, though Togruta herself, also had been one of the council members that had just as easily thrown her out and believed her guilty. 

“Master,” she tried not to grit her teeth, and keep a cool head. If not, all chance she’d be taken seriously would disappear. “I do not know what you were told about what happened, but I highly doubt he has a virus. His behavior was more of someone that had been mind controlled in some way. I cannot explain why his body seems to be deteriorating unless the long term exposure to this link his hurting him in someway. If the chancellor was indeed involved in the creation of the clones, it would be wise not to rule out some kind of tampering. For that though, yes, Fives should also be tested. But I do not trust the Kaminoans to be truthful or forthcoming." 

"I assure you, Ahsoka, there is no reason to be concerned. I have overseen the facility and the actions here for most of the war. I have sensed no deception in them and no reason to be suspicious. I suggest you put your fears aside and let a calmer head prevail.” Shaak Ti waved her hand dismissively and left the room. It took all her self control not to respond in anger. She hadn’t even heard a word she’d said. Just like all the other Jedi masters, they know better than you, therefore, your opinion is invalid.  _Anakin, hurry up._

She set her jaw and followed Master Ti out of the room. No reason to be suspicious was by no means equal to there being nothing amiss. She exited the room to find Fives was stubbornly refusing to move until she reappeared, just as she’d told him. At least somebody listened to her. Technically, he was disobeying the chain of command by listening to her rather than Master Ti, but she could tell he was scared enough right now, he was going to cling to the only person that seemed to believe in him. And she did. This was not his fault. This was not Tup’s fault. This wasn’t any of their faults. 

Inappropriate or not, she linked her arm with his and nodded to him it was okay to follow the Jedi master. Regardless of the cause, yes, she had a point. He needed to be checked out too. But she was not going to leave his side or his room unless absolutely necessary. As it was, her attempt to explain things to master Ti had caused her to lose track of where they’d taken Tup. 

She showed them to a room and then disappeared. “What’s going on?” he asked. 

“They believe Tup has a virus. But they won’t listen to me when I tell them that I don’t think that’s the case. For the time being though, until we know what caused this, we should also check you out,” she sighed. 

“I would never do anything like that!” he said quickly. “Neither would he. I know what it looks like, but I swear, he wouldn’t do that.”

She took him by the shoulders. “You need to calm down.  _I_ know that. But if something took away his free will, let’s make sure it can’t take away yours too.” He looked like he was about to argue but then nodded. He was scared enough of himself to not want to be responsible for something like that either. 

“Commander?” he whispered, looking up at her with such sadness, her heart ached for him. “I can’t imagine what it was like to have someone do that to you, but thank you, for believing in us.”

She squeezed his hand. “I promise we’ll get to the bottom of this.”


	17. Chapter 17

She heard it before he did, as the room next door illuminated. She glanced over her shoulder to see them stick a syringe over Tup’s heart and remove his breathing mask. His body jerked as he desperately fought the restraints, crying out in pain. Fives was at the window, pounding on the glass. “What’s going on? What are they doing to him?”

Before she could get a good look, master Shaak Ti waved her hand, closing the shade between the rooms. She looked back at Fives, her eyes wide. “Remain calm, remain calm,” the medical droid tasked to study Fives repeated, trying to pull him back to the examination table. He just swatted it away. 

“I can only assume they’re performing tests,” she whispered sadly.

“But they’re hurting him!”

“Shh, calm down,” she ordered. “Hyper tests are hard to witness. Let me listen.” He reluctantly returned to the bed, dropping his face in his hands as she sunk into the force. Opening up to hear what was going on in the room next door. “No infection in the blood. The tests were negative on all accounts. The doctor says he’s in perfect health.” She breathed a sigh of relief. Now perhaps master Ti will consider that it’s not a virus. Mind control was worse, however, because it wasn’t so easily curable.  _Oh no…_  she closed her mouth, so she didn’t repeat Tup’s words to Fives. They sent a bone chilling shiver down her spine.  _Kill the Jedi. Kill the Jedi… follow orders… follow orders…_

They sedated him, and he fell silent. She opened her eyes when another droid entered the room. “Is Tup going to be alright?” he asked it immediately.

“We are conducting hyper tests, so we should be getting the results very quickly,” the droid replied. She watched as the droid poked him a few times and went about testing him in various ways. Fives was getting more and more agitated as the time went on. After awhile, the droid left them alone again. Eventually Fives tired of pacing and laid down trying to get some rest. She sat in a chair near the other room wall so she could hear what was going on next door. 

Master Ti probably knew she was listening, but she didn’t tell her not to. She relaxed into meditation so she could better hear and feel. 

She stood up all at once. Fives looked up in surprise. “Stay here,” she ordered. She left the room and marched straight into the room they were operating in, ignoring the pain in her ankle. “Don’t you dare terminate him!” she huffed, putting her hands on her hips. 

“Padawan Tano!” Master Ti chided but she refused to back down. She was responsible for his and Fives’ lives and she was not going to let it go without a fight. 

“He is not a machine, he is a person! Created or not, you will not speak of him as such,” she said passionately. She didn’t care if the Jedi master or the doctor frowned upon her behavior. She’d watched far too many people die lately, she wouldn’t allow them to put him down like an animal.  _Like they’d tried to do to her…_  To her surprise however, Shaak Ti turned to the doctor. 

“If the initial scans came up negative for a physical ailment, it must be psychological. It could be a case of Separatist brainwashing.” Ahsoka rolled her eyes. Sure, now she considered that. 

“I disagree,” the doctor replied. “It must be a virus of some kind.” She glanced at the doctor. Kaminoans had very little facial expression, and as such, they were difficult to read. But the way she’d so quickly dismissed any other explanation despite the negative results, was suspicious in itself. 

“But you just said the scans were negative. What kind of virus can make him do all of that and not show a single trace in his blood or his system?” she demanded. 

“Without further testing, I cannot speculate. But as I said before you barged in here, the only way to know for sure is in an autopsy,” the doctor replied in a huff. If Kaminoans could huff, anyways. “And as  _I_  am the doctor, I must make decisions I believe are best for  _my_ patient.”

Shaak Ti raised her hand to silence her before she gave the doctor a piece of her mind. “Actually, since the Republic and the Jedi commissioned the clones, it is our responsibility to oversee their care." 

"Every clone and their genetic makeup is property of the Kaminoan government. Now as a client of ours, I will respect your wishes. But as to the fate of  _this_  clone, I will speak to our prime minister.”

“And I will advise the Jedi council on the atomic brain scan and see how they would like to proceed,” Shaak Ti said. The droid that had suggested the scan and the doctor left the room. 

“Tell me, Ahsoka,” Shaak Ti said suddenly. “Why are you so certain the clones have been tampered with?”

“Right before Tup tried to kill me, he said ‘good soldiers follow orders.’”

“Yes, that’s what he said moments ago.”

“He’s obviously in a trance, but I’ve never seen one last this long, nor have I ever seen it cause the body to deteriorate either. If the chancellor ordered the creation of the clones, but also was pulling strings on both sides,  _and_ he is a Sith Lord, what better way to destroy the Jedi than to turn our own soldiers against us when we’re spread too thin to survive something like that?” she asked, pacing back and forth. “Nala Se may be a brilliant doctor, but she’s hiding something. What if the reason she refused the brain scan was because she knew it would detect what they put in them to begin with? Then how would she hide it from us?” She looked up at master Ti, hoping for once, somebody within the order besides Anakin would actually listen to her. 

“Are you suggesting they put some kind of electronic device in their head that would make them susceptible to mind control?”

“I don’t know,” she sighed. “But the Kaminoans are known for their knowledge of genetics and medical pioneering, is it that much of a stretch that they could create a device that lived inside a host’s brain and could be activated on demand?”

The Jedi master was quiet for a moment. “I must discuss this with the Jedi council before we get overruled again.” She disappeared out the door without another word. Ahsoka looked down at Tup, lying there helplessly. She could feel him fading. The droid was probably right, he was too weak for the scan. But how could they not? If they let the Kaminoans kill him and perform an autopsy instead, how easy would it be for the doctor to conveniently make any evidence disappear?  _Too easy…_

“Hang in there, Tup. I promise even if we can’t save you, I won’t let your sacrifice be in vain.” She set her hand briefly on his head. 

She ran back into Fives’ room where he was arguing with the droid that had suggested the brain scan. She tossed him a communicator. 

“Call general Skywalker, tell him we need him here. And to hurry,” she ordered. Fives looked at her in surprise but then flipped open the device. She took off running down the hallway, feeling her way through the facility to follow Nala Se. She saw her disappear through a door at the far end of the corridor. She frantically looked around. Then she saw the grate. Why was she always in ventilation ducts? Why? Because she was small, and it was the best place to get information. She shimmied her way in, sliding as quickly as she could through the shaft to get closer to the room the doctor had entered. Her ankle was throbbing, but she ignored it. She shouldn’t have run on it, but it was too important to overhear the doctor talk to the prime minister. 

Her eyes widened as she listened through the grate.  _Anakin… you’d better hurry…_


	18. Chapter 18

“What is going on in here?” Anakin turned around at the sound of the doctor’s voice and stepped forward, crossing his arms. Even though he wasn’t as tall as the Kaminoans, he was still intimidating. She stepped up next to him feeling much more courageous now that he was here. Rex was on the other side of her, Fives on the other side of him and Shaak Ti stood next to Anakin. 

He put out one hand that was holding a holodevice and projected a small image of the Jedi council three inches above it. “Doctor, would you mind explaining to the rest of the Jedi why all of the clones have control chips in their heads?” he said tightly. She could feel just how tense he was. He’d been less than ten minutes away when Fives had called him. He’d rolled in just in time to see Fives convince the droid to do the atomic level scan and then remove the chip in his head. He held up the specimen that had been removed just before Tup died. 

She’d run into the room just in time to hear the last exchange between Fives and Tup, and found Anakin standing there with Rex. Shaak Ti had arrived moments later. 

The doctor looked between each of them, expressionless as always. “They are inhibitor chips,” she replied simply as though there was nothing wrong. “They were designed to turn off specific genes in order to optimize the clones’ performance. The original DNA used for cloning had many undesirable traits that needed to be regulated.”

“So are you telling me,” Ahsoka started, stepping forward, her hands on her hips again. “That Jango Fett, the clone template, had a gene that’s sole purpose was to kill Jedi? And even more outrageous than that, that particular gene is conveniently controlled by a device you didn’t want us to know about?” She felt Anakin try to hide his smile. “Rex, Fives…?” she said and they both held up the chips that had been in their heads. “Because if that were possibly true, then why have neither of these clones tried to kill us since having their chip removed? Rex?” She stepped in front of him. “I’m a Jedi. What do you do to Jedi?”

“I protect them,” he said simply. 

“You know, captain, I think I like you better more aggressive and unoptimized,” she said sarcastically. “Show me your undesirable traits.” Rex’s mouth twitched, but he did nothing. “Fives?” He shook his head and she patted him on the back. “I overheard you talking to the prime minister,  _and_  Count Dooku. Care to explain why you’re consulting with the leader of the Separatists about the Republic army?”

“Like to know this, we would,” Master Yoda said through the transmission, tapping his gimer stick hard on the marble floor of the council room. A gesture all the Jedi knew meant he was both unhappy and about to put you in your place. 

Nala Se stared back and forth between them all as the minutes of silence wore on. It was obvious she was trying to come up with a convincing argument but was already too deeply caught in her lies. 

“Doctor,” Anakin said. “The wise thing to do would be to confess that you’ve been conspiring with the Separatists and have endangered the lives of every person in the galaxy.” He set the hand that wasn’t holding the holodevice on Ahsoka’s shoulder. It reminded her of the time back at the beginning of the war when he’d told her to throw her weight around, if the Kaminoans at the medical station refused to give her information she asked for. At the time, she’d thought he was crazy, she carried no weight, no power. After all these years, sometimes she still felt powerless, except for when he was standing there next to her. To her surprise, maybe that wasn’t true anymore. 

She might be small, but she could be fierce. Everyone that underestimated her, usually ended up regretting it. She fought for the things and the people she believed in, willing to sacrifice anything for freedom. And in that moment, she knew, with or without Anakin present in her life, he had empowered her. He had imbued her with trust and faith and belief; so strong, that wherever she went, whatever she called herself, she would be a leader. A good one. One that brought people to the best expression of themselves. 

So, in a way, he  _had_  held the pieces of her together. Or rather, he’d helped her carry them while she rebuilt herself. His trust and faith in her had been the glue. And for the first time in her life, she felt whole;  _complete._


	19. Chapter 19

_(One week later)_

“People of the Republic, having learned of a plot by the Jedi to overthrow me and fearing for my safety, I went into hiding. But do not be afraid, I have returned to save you all from their tyranny,” the Chancellor said, facing a droid that projected his words all over Coruscant and probably across radio waves throughout the galaxy. 

She stood next to Anakin and the Jedi council as they watched him depart his shuttle, the nerve that he would return here. Of course they’d known he’d try something. This war couldn’t end until he was brought to justice. But they just stood there on the landing platform, surrounded by troops while he spilled his lies all over himself. 

She wasn’t exactly sure what they were waiting for, but she knew because he was a Sith Lord, you could not engage him in battle simply or easily. You must be calm and focused, and prepared. They  _were_  prepared. All the clones present, a hundred and fifty in all, raised their guns and pointed them at him. The remainder of the 501st, led by Captain Rex and ARC Trooper Fives, stood in front. 

“Anakin, my boy,” the Chancellor exclaimed. He started walking forward, his head slightly bowed. She moved to pull him back but froze when he she saw his hand behind him, gesturing for her to wait. He stopped ten feet in front of the Chancellor and bowed deeply taking a knee. 

“Your excellency,” he sounded submissive. 

“I knew I could count on you. A true hero serves the people of the Republic before any other institution. Come here and stand by my side.” Anakin obediently got up and stood next to him, turning to face the rest of them and all the troops. She had the urge to shout  _you traitor_ , but she remained silent and took a deep breath. “I always knew the Jedi lusted for power and that at some point, I would need to protect the good people from them.” The Chancellor looked back at the rest of them and sneered. “Execute order 66,” he commanded. 

No one moved. 

“I said, execute order 66!”

Rex and Fives stepped forward. “With all due respect, Chancellor, my brothers and I have served the Jedi and the Republic faithfully. They have fought hard and sacrificed much to protect the people. While you, sir, have reaped the benefits,” Rex said calmly. She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her lips. Knowing the chancellor’s sudden distress that his plan had backfired. 

“Clone troopers!” Ahsoka shouted. Every single one of them saluted her. “Kindly tell the Chancellor what you do.”

“Good soldiers follow orders,” they replied in unison. “But we don’t kill Jedi. Or civilians. Or innocents.” A wave of hands shot up in the air all holding the control chips that had been removed from their heads. The Chancellor looked among them, he couldn’t hide it this time.

“Anakin, you must protect me,” he begged.

“I’m sorry your excellency, but my duty is to the best interests of the Republic, not to  _you_.” He slapped binders on the Chancellor’s wrists before he could move. “You’re under arrest for crimes against the Republic, the Confederacy of Independent Systems, and the good people of this galaxy. And no more people are going to die because of you.”


	20. Chapter 20

“For all of your hard work in uncovering the truth behind this war, and helping end it, we wish to bestow on you the rank of knight,” Master Kenobi said to her.

She smiled at him and then bowed to the council. “I am honored masters. But I’m afraid I cannot accept. Since the temple bombing, I have had a lot of time to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I am a good person. I fight to right injustices as best as I am able; to free the people and end tyranny in any form. But I cannot live my life by the Jedi code. Thank you for all that you have taught me. I will use it well.” She bowed again and glanced at Anakin. 

He smiled at her, understanding in his eyes. It had been a long road for both of them. How they survived it, she really didn’t know. But they had, and they were here. And despite all his heroism and the numerous times he’d stood up for her, she couldn’t stay here for him. He knew that now. He stepped forward and clasped his hands together, bowing before her. 

“May the force be with you, Ahsoka,” he said. “I’m proud of you, Snips.” He whispered the latter part so softly she was certain only she’d heard it. She smiled at him and nodded. Then she turned to go. It was strange how badly she’d wanted to leave the first time and yet she’d stayed anyways. And this time, she didn’t really want to leave, but knew she should. What she’d told them was the truth. After everything she’d been through, she knew who she was without a doubt now. She was Ahsoka Tano, a warrior for good and light and justice, but she was not a Jedi. And, she was at peace with that. 

She walked the halls of the temple slowly, memorizing everything she wanted to remember. She said goodbye to the younglings and wished them well. Then she made her way outside into the afternoon Coruscant sun. She stood on the entry steps, breathing in the sights and sounds one last time. It felt like a chapter of her life was ending. She had no idea what the next one held, but she was ready to find out. 

She took a taxi to the park she’d found before and sat down on the same bench, looking back at the temple from a distance. It didn’t seem so dark anymore. Maybe they’d found their way back to the light and could rebalance themselves now that the majority of the fighting had ended. 

“Hey,” she heard Nyx say and smiled when he sat down next to her. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah I am.” She turned to look at him. “I was hoping we could start over. My name is Ahsoka Tano. I was a Jedi, but I’m not anymore. I fought in the war from the battle of Christophsis to the Siege of Coruscant. I don’t know much about life outside the temple, but I’m a good mechanic. Any chance you’re hiring?” She held out her hand for him to shake. 

He looked at it for a moment, he seemed taken aback by her admission that she had in fact been one of the Jedi that he despised. But then he smiled and took her hand. “My name is Nyx Okami. And nobody’s perfect. Welcome aboard." 

"May I treat you to a jogun fruit smoothie? I’ve heard they’re really good,” she grinned. 

“Now who told you that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, this really nice guy I met awhile back,” she smirked. 

“I’d love to know more about this guy. Is he your boyfriend?” Nyx asked, his eyes sparkling. 

“No, but I think he has the makings to be a really good friend. Who knows what the future holds?” She shrugged, trying to hide her smile this time. She wasn’t sure about this whole relationship thing. She still had lingering feelings for Anakin, unresolved ones really. But now that the war was over, she was going to let him decide whether or not he wanted to pursue anything like that with her. She suspected he’d return to Padmé, and if that were the case, she wished them well. For now, she just wanted to get her feet under herself and find out what the world had to offer away from the temple. Nyx was a really nice guy, and she sincerely hoped that even if they tried dating and it didn’t work out, they could still be good friends. 

After all her fears about trusting people, she was determined to let go of her past and learn to let people in. And rather than hope or expect things from them, just appreciate what she does have. At least this time, she knew she still had friends out there. She hadn’t walked away because she needed to, but rather because it was the right thing for her to do.


End file.
